What you can say to someone going through a difficult time
When someone we care about is going through a difficult time, we naturally want to be there for them. Offering a listening ear or giving advice. Ideally, we want to solve the ‘problem’ for them, but this is often not what they need, no matter how well-intentioned it is. Last week, I already wrote a piece about the well-meaning comments that our single friends would rather not hear anymore. According to neuropsychologist Nawal (thebraincoach on Instagram), we like to look for a solution for our loved ones because we find it difficult to acknowledge their pain and deal with it. Therefore, we often ‘force’ them to look at the positive side of the story or say that what they feel isn't that bad at all.
But actually, according to Nawal, we can better provide support in every possible way, such as just listening, asking open questions, discussing their thoughts, asking what they need right now, or helping with everyday things that they might neglect because they are going through so much. One thing you should try to avoid is comparing the situation to a previous experience you have had. This can cause you to indirectly impose advice on the other person that you followed at the time, and then you are again offering a solution.
As a tool to best support your friends in need, Nawal has shared a number of things on her Instagram that you should and shouldn't say.
1. Instead of: ‘There is so much to be grateful for,’ try: ‘I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'm here for you if you want to talk.’
2. Instead of: ‘It's really not necessary to cry. You'll be fine,’ try: ‘That must be tough for you.’
3. Instead of: ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ try: ‘What would you like to do about this?’
4. Instead of: ‘This is what I would do in your situation,’ try: ‘What do you think about this? Maybe it helps to talk about it, but don't feel obligated. Know that I'm here.’
5. Instead of: ‘It's really not as bad as you think,’ try: ‘How can I support you right now?’
6. Instead of: ‘It could have been worse,’ try: ‘How can I help you? The laundry? Making food?’
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