The best ways to make up after a fight
My partner and I are not shy about having a good argument, to say the least. Fire and fire; it doesn't always go peacefully. But in my opinion, there's nothing wrong with arguing as long as you resolve it and do it the right way. According to clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior, you should better sit around the table first before you dive into bed together right after a fight. Many people choose this last (easy) way, but something always lingers in the air with the danger that emotions get bottled up.
But what is the ‘right’ way to resolve a fight? Below you can read how to do it best:
1. Take enough time and space before you make up
When you notice that you are still high in your emotions and angry, it's better to keep some distance before you start talking it out. According to relationship coach Susan Winter, it's wise to really take your space after such an intense fight, because your primal instinct only wants to defend itself and bite back. If you take enough time and express yourself to the other person when you are calmer, the message will ultimately come across better.
2. NEVER talk it out over the phone
As obvious as this may sound, when you're furious, it's quite difficult not to send a very angry message with trembling fingers. But before you know it, you're saying the worst things to each other, as this is much easier to do via the app than in real life. Not only will you immediately regret everything that is said back and forth, but the fight often becomes unnecessarily bigger because of it. Arguing and talking it out over the phone is really a NO-GO.
3. Don't point fingers at the other
A golden tip: always speak in the first person. According to therapist Irina Finstein, this is very important so that the other person doesn't feel immediately attacked. So not: ‘You did this and that wrong’, but: ‘I feel this way because of this event.’ This will really make a world of difference, as it makes it more pleasant for the other person to listen to your story.
4. Don't raise your voice
This is, of course, easier said than done, but having a conversation with someone who is shouting is very unpleasant. Moreover, the message does not come across at all when you raise your voice. So try to speak softer when you feel the urge to talk louder to make yourself understood, so that you really hold the other person's attention.
5. Put yourself in the other person's shoes
We all have our own truth, which we tend to cling to strongly during a fight. However, to resolve the argument, it is necessary to put yourself in the other person's shoes. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Perhaps you will understand the other person's feelings afterward and can express that to each other. It often helps immensely if you feel understood by someone else.
