All the things you can do for a friend with fertility issues
Hands up if you used to think that after a few blinks you would be pregnant immediately after deciding you were ready for kids. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that easily. Worldwide, 17.5 percent of adults struggle with fertility issues, according to the World Health Organisation, so there is a good chance that someone in your environment is dealing with this as well. I always find it very difficult to think about what I can mean for a friend in that situation. Statements like ‘your time will come’ and ‘it will be alright’ feel like a tiny band-aid on a deep, emotional wound, and because I am not yet focused on starting a family myself, I sometimes find it hard to relate. I also always try to be careful. What can I say and what can't I? Everything comes from a place of unconditional love for my friend, but how do I ensure that I don't come off as clumsy or insensitive? According to psychologists, the most helpful support is simply being present and open to your friend's experience. Below you will read all the ways you can do this.
Acknowledge the uniqueness of her experience
Fertility issues are diverse and bring different treatment options and personal challenges in each story. What is difficult for one person may be very different from another's perspective. Some experience physical discomfort from medications, daily injections, or invasive medical procedures, while others have stress from financial worries and find it hard to bear the costs of treatment. It is also common for people to grieve the impossibility of spontaneous, natural pregnancy or to feel the emptiness that a miscarriage brings. Whatever it is: remain open to your friend's experiences. Be there for her in the low points, celebrate the high points, and be there for her when she needs you.
Know that it is not your job to solve problems
It is so tempting to do this. I would love to single-handedly solve the problems, big or small, of all my friends. If they have even a little sadness, I turn into a lioness wanting to protect them from everything that is stupid. However, in this case, it is better to let that go for a moment. Instead of trying to offer solutions, it is better to let your friend lead the conversation and ensure that you show your support for their choices. Focusing on smaller daily help, like doing groceries for her or simply being there, can be more useful than trying to solve the whole situation.
Watch out for triggering language
Be careful with what you say. Remarks like ‘you just need to relax, then it will surely happen’ are absolutely unnecessary and will most likely unintentionally bring sadness. Instead, it is better to just ask how she is doing and make it clear that you are there for her when she needs you.
Understand her need for space
Acknowledge that your friend sometimes needs space and does not always want to talk about her situation. Let her come to you when she feels she needs someone to talk to. Also understand that some social situations can be difficult and that it is perfectly normal if she goes to fewer of the countless birthday parties (which, in my opinion, could always be canceled).
Be careful when sharing your own news
If you are pregnant and your friend is struggling with fertility issues, be thoughtful in sharing this news. Tell her one-on-one, be open about your feelings, respect her possible need for time and space, and ask her what she needs. Maybe she would actually enjoy talking to you about your pregnancy, or maybe she would prefer that you don't share everything with her. Whatever it is, make sure you continue to be there for her.
Source: Psychology Today | Image: Netflix
