According to psychologists, these 4 things indicate an impending break-up
Relationship therapists see many couples come and go: one decides to go for it, the other couple is doing better than ever and yet another hasn't made it. It's only logical that psychologists can now recognize a certain pattern in this. Of course, it's not foolproof, but after years of experience, they tend to see the outcome for a couple likely sooner than the couple in question themselves.
Relationship therapist Dr. John Gottman even came up with a name for it in 1999: The Four Horsemen. I had never heard of it myself, and it sounded more like a story akin to The Three Musketeers to me, but in reality, they are four indicators that a couple is not going to make it. He tested this with 90 percent accuracy: within three (!) minutes he could correctly predict whether a couple stayed together or not. And that was in 1999, so perhaps some of those last percentages have also seen some couples fall apart.
But what do The Four Horsemen entail? These are four indicators, and if they occur in your relationship, it is a kind of sign that a break-up is lurking. Here they are:
1. Criticism
‘You are so distant towards me, you only think about yourself,’ that kind of statement. When this is brought up right at the beginning (Dr. Gottman calls this a ‘harsh start up’), it is a very bad sign. Firstly, because it addresses what is wrong with the other instead of talking about your own feelings, and secondly, because it is easier to start a sentence with ‘you’ than with ‘I’.
2. Defensiveness
And when that criticism is expressed, the response is often defensive. When a couple is alone and only uses these two factors, it becomes a discussion without end and without solution. The argument will only get worse, Dr. Gottman also advises taking a break in the heat of the battle.
What you should do according to Dr. Gottman as a ‘solution’: take responsibility
Even if you don't think you are being justly accused, try to set that aside for a moment. Ask your partner how he/she feels and what he/she needs at that moment. You can also acknowledge that you didn't notice it in time. Responsibility is not the same as acknowledging those accusations.
3. Contempt
Well, when this is happening in a relationship, we all know what time it is; that is never a good sign. When one feels better than the other, there is no question of a balanced, healthy relationship, and according to Dr. Gottman, this is also the biggest reason for breaking up.
What you should do according to Dr. Gottman as a ‘solution’: show love
Try to remain loving towards your partner and express what you feel for the other, but also think about when you are grateful for the other. This can be for something big or small, but the power lies in the repetition: the more you reflect on this gratitude, the more you value your partner.
4. Stonewalling
There isn't really a good Dutch term for this yet, but it resembles avoidance the most. When your partner no longer wants to talk about arguments, doesn't want to finish conversations, and thinks that avoiding everything is better than talking, because that will only lead to an argument. Some exhibit this behavior when they feel too many emotions and cannot articulate themselves well, but for some, it is also the case that they feel that nothing they say is taken seriously (or both).
What you should do according to Dr. Gottman as a ‘solution’: reassure yourself
In any way: take a step back, get a massage, talk one-on-one with a therapist, meditate... Whatever works for you to become a bit calmer and more relaxed.
