This is how you set boundaries

‘Actually, I want to go to the sun during the Christmas holidays, but my mother-in-law has already claimed us for Christmas.’ I know how life goes: before you know it, you are a plaything of others and your agenda is determined by others rather than yourself. Not a problem if you have no issues with that, but most of us are pleasers or ‘love junkies’ and say ‘yes’ to things we actually want to say ‘no’ to.

Saying no is good because:

• You shouldn't let others lead your life.
• Saying ‘no’ in a good way demands respect.
• You stay true to yourself by setting boundaries and saying ‘no’.
• Assertive people (those who say no) have less anxiety, are less lonely, and are more successful at work and in maintaining relationships.
• Others also know better where they stand with you. It seems very unpleasant to me if someone comes to eat with me while they would actually prefer to stay home. It is, however hard it may be sometimes, respectful and honest towards the other.

It can also happen that someone wants something from you. I am sometimes asked if I want to write a text for someone or think along about a creative concept. Sometimes I find that fun, sometimes not, and usually, I don't have time. Moreover, I would rather braid my daughters' hair than write a flyer for your gym. I find it too difficult to say that I actually think I should be paid for that, so I give the contact of a great freelance journalist they can hire for that. In doing so, I politely say that I don't have time and that I actually think you should hire me for that. For some people, I do it with love, though. It just depends on the balance in friendship and relationship. I have also been asked if I could arrange a certain celebrity for an event. Obviously for nothing. Then I also immediately give the number of that person's manager.

Setting boundaries is difficult. Ideally, you want everyone to like you and want to be the Mother Teresa of the world. But that just doesn't work, not even for Mother Teresa. So remember:

• Do what makes you happy, and if you have a nagging feeling about something, don't do it. If the other party gets angry or disappointed, that says more about that person than about you.
• You can always come back to something. I am always inclined to say ‘yes’ immediately, but I think you can come back to that. The other person surprises you with a request, and you are the boss of your life, so you can come back to it. Always.
• Not everyone likes you. A third of people do, a third of people don't care what you do, and a third probably thinks you're stupid. You can never please everyone, so at least make sure you please yourself as much as possible.