Do you have a toxic person in your life?

There's a good chance you know someone who costs more energy than they give back. Toxic relationships and friendships create a lot of stress. But how do you recognize that energy vampire? They probably don't even realize it themselves, but they often make the people around them sigh. No panic. Neuropsychologist Dr. Sanam Hafeez created a checklist to help you recognize if someone is toxic. And, even more importantly, she also tells you what you can do about it.

What makes someone toxic?

“A toxic person is someone whose behavior, attitude, or actions are consistently harmful or stressful to others,” says Dr. Hafeez. This can manifest in various ways: someone can be very manipulative, negative, or even aggressive. What all toxic people have in common is a lack of empathy. They simply cannot understand the emotions of others. According to Dr. Hafeez, there are various reasons why people behave this way. It can stem from traumas, low self-esteem, or mental health issues. People who grow up in a toxic environment are also more likely to adopt these behaviors. So it's not always necessarily your fault.

The checklist

We may not always be aware of how we come across to others, and this can sometimes lead to difficult situations. Are you unsure about how someone in your environment treats others and notice that you're not the only one? Then it might be that this person has toxic traits. According to Dr. Hafeez, you can go through the following questions (for them) to be sure:

1. Are you often jealous of other people's success, even if they work hard for it?
A little jealousy is really not a problem. It's okay to feel bad if your colleague gets a promotion while you're also working hard for it. It becomes a problem if you can't let go of the situation and can't accept that the other person has put in just as much, or maybe even more, effort and that their success was therefore deserved. Jealousy that really gets out of hand is indeed a toxic trait.

2. Do you find it okay to lie to get what you want?
We all tell a lie sometimes. That colleague's pants weren't really as nice as you let her think. But as soon as you start using lies to get your way, that's definitely a red flag. Claiming credit for an important task so that you score points with the boss is certainly not very nice.

3. Do you constantly think about the worst possible outcome?
As much as we would like it, life is not always positive. Sometimes you just have a really bad day, and it's okay to feel bad about that. There's nothing wrong as long as that negativity doesn't control you. If you see something bad in everything, you might need to start worrying. Especially if you also share that grumbling. Did your friends put a lot of effort into a nice lunch? Then you really don't need to mention that it might rain. Stay positive.

4. Do you avoid saying what you really think?
Sometimes it's better to keep your opinion to yourself to avoid hurting others. You say you like something when that's not really the case. This passive-aggressive behavior may seem like the way to avoid arguments, but it ultimately creates problems. “Instead of expressing their anger or frustration directly, passive-aggressive people indirectly say what they think or feel,” explains Dr. Hafeez, leaving everyone to guess what's really going on. Always avoiding conflicts can also lead you into toxic situations.

5. Do you have a tendency to force others to do what you want?
Having a clear opinion is not bad, but forcing people to follow it is. Imagine this: you're hosting a Christmas dinner and want to dictate everything down to the last detail. Not only what’s on the menu but also exactly how it’s made. Anyone who thinks differently is completely ignored. Not very pleasant, right?

6. Do you never take responsibility for your mistakes?
It's cliché but true: nobody's perfect. Making mistakes is completely okay, as long as you take responsibility for them. Always blaming others or continuing to deny it is quite exhausting for those around you. Not being able to accept that sometimes things go wrong can be a sign that there is an underlying fear or insecurity. And you'd better do something about that.

7. Do you use violence or intimidation to achieve your goals?
I don't mean that you start throwing punches. According to Dr. Hafeez, violence can also manifest in the form of cursing, bullying, or threatening. Being very hostile and trying to intimidate people can make your environment feel very unsafe around you. You certainly don't want that.

8. Do you enjoy stirring up trouble within your family or friends?
“Those who love drama often create conflicts where there are none or blow situations out of proportion. They gossip, exaggerate things, or create drama so they can intervene and ‘save’ the situation,” says Dr. Hafeez. This unnecessarily creates a lot of tension and stress. Are you looking for a bit of drama? Then luckily there are plenty of series that can provide that. A bit safer, right?

9. Do you find it difficult to connect with others and avoid vulnerability?
You don't want to hear how much sadness your best friend has from her breakup. But yes, that's what friends are for. If others can never come to you with their emotions, that's not a good foundation for a friendship or relationship. If you notice that you avoid these kinds of conversations or have difficulty connecting, then a toxic bell should start ringing.

What now?

It's certainly not pleasant to realize that you answer a (large) part of the questions with ‘yes’. But if you can help your loved ones with that, it's very valuable for everyone. Being aware of your behavior and wanting to do something about it is the first step towards a non-toxic life. Fortunately, there are various tips you can give them. According to Dr. Hafeez, it starts with taking the time to think. “Try keeping a journal or finding a meditative exercise to understand why you behave the way you do and how that behavior affects the people around you.” You can also ask friends or family for advice. They can tell you about the is toxic. traits that someone may not notice themselves. Talking a lot is the key to change, so you can work on your communication and regain trust. Self-help books, workshops, or professional help are also all good options according to Dr. Hafeez. And, perhaps the most important tip: don't be too hard on yourself. Change takes time, and every step, no matter how small, should be celebrated.

Source: PureWow