Masterful manipulation: gaslighting is subtle but very dangerous
Gaslighting happens very often, in all relationships, in friendships, in the workplace. It is actually bizarre to realize that it happens to you daily as well.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation in which someone intentionally sows doubt about another person's perception, memories, and mental health. The goal of gaslighting is to make the victim doubt their own reality, giving the perpetrator more control and power over the situation. Although gaslighting often starts subtly, it can have serious consequences for the victim's mental well-being and the dynamics of relationships. So you should imagine something happening like: your colleague forgot a deadline at work. But that colleague then starts saying things to you like: ‘Are you sure about that? Do you sometimes doubt my abilities? How dare you say that to me?’, causing you to start doubting yourself. Unbeknownst to you, this makes you insecure.
One of the most disturbing aspects of gaslighting is that it is often difficult to recognize, even for those who are victims of it. The manipulation often occurs gradually and in a refined and sometimes even somewhat sweet manner, causing the victim to slowly but surely begin to doubt their own feelings, memories, and perceptions. The perpetrator may send confusing or contradictory messages, tell small lies, or blame the victim to justify their own behavior. ‘I think we didn't meet that deadline last year either, and it turned out not to be necessary then, right?’ that colleague might say again.
A common example of gaslighting is when your partner constantly minimizes or denies your feelings or experiences. For example: if you feel hurt by something your partner said or did, they might respond with comments like: ‘You always make a big deal out of everything’ or: ‘You're too sensitive, sweetheart.’ This then makes you feel guilty for your own reactions and you keep your mouth shut.
Gaslighting can lead to feelings of confusion, isolation, anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). You become insecure and dare less, in your work, in your private life. You feel small. And it happens to so many of us. It is important to recognize gaslighting and respond to it, both for the well-being of the victim and for maintaining healthy relationships. This may include setting boundaries, validating your feelings and experiences, seeking professional help, and, if necessary, ending the relationship with someone who is not good for you. Someone who costs you more energy than they give. Someone who always takes and gives little back. Someone who belittles you. By being aware of the subtle signs of gaslighting and surrounding yourself with supportive and respectful people, you can protect yourself from this harmful form of manipulation. Because that is what it is: manipulation, but in a very subtle, unrecognizable way. Brrr.
Image: series ‘YOU’, Netflix
