9x if you do this, you are just a bit too independent

Now that I live abroad, I can say that I have become independent. Landing in a metropolis as a fresh twenty-something, where you know no one, don’t speak the language, and have to make ends meet entirely on your own, forces you to stand on your own two feet, whether you like it or not. And I must admit: it feels good knowing that you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself without the help of mom and dad at home.

But believe it or not: being independent can also have a downside. Over time, you can become too independent, which leads you to completely avoid help or advice at all times. This is called hyper-independence: you know better than everyone else, so why would you listen to others' advice? Suddenly, it’s not such a great trait anymore, you understand that.

Not only refusing help and advice is a sign of hyper-independence, there are many more signs:

1. You are not comfortable when people go out of their way to help you.
2. You prefer to work independently rather than in a group.
3. You have perfectionistic tendencies.
4. You feel the need to keep yourself busy all the time. Sitting still stresses you out.
5. You find it difficult to share your feelings and therefore do not easily allow emotions in.
6. You rarely put yourself in a vulnerable position, especially not in front of others.
7. You find it hard to trust others.
8. You refuse to ask for help from others at work, even if you can’t figure it out.
9. You hate it when people pay for you.

Where this toxic independence — another commonly used term for it — comes from can be attributed to various factors. Often, it stems from a traumatic experience in your younger years. If you had to take care of yourself as a child, it may be that you have carried these habits into your adult life and apply them to both friendships and romantic relationships. It can also be related to a relationship where your trust was completely damaged by, for example, a partner who cheated. The person you never thought would betray you has made it so that you can never trust anyone blindly again, and so you only rely on yourself from now on.

Why should you avoid this hyper-independence? Quite simply: being too independent prevents you from having healthy relationships with partners, friends, or family, and on top of that, it leads to less anxiety. Asking for help occasionally when you can’t figure things out takes a lot of stress away. Although it may sound cool to do everything on your own, it is much nicer for the people around you if you occasionally ask for a favor. And not unimportantly: your mental state will also thank you for it.

If the damage has already been done for your feelings, it is important to think about the moments in your life when this extreme independence does NOT work in your favor. A little example: you encounter something at work that you have no clue about, knowing that the problem could be solved in no time with your colleague's knowledge. If you find yourself running into this multiple times, it might be a point you need to work on for more peace of mind. You should also remember that the people who care about you want to help you in a heartbeat if they know it would do you good. Conversely, you would do that with love for them too, right?

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