Even about the photos of men on dating apps

If you stumble out of a relationship after 100 years and didn't grow up swiping and online dating, there's quite a lot to discover. Not just for me, by the way, but also for my friends who are watching with love.

At the moment, I'm still in the phase of exploring the market and doing a bit of texting from the safe environment of my own home. Nowadays, you don't have to trudge back and forth at the ready-made meals; you can just stay home on a Friday night and you won't end up on weird blind dates through friends to meet someone. With one click on your phone, a stack of admirers is at your feet; in that regard, it's very straightforward and efficient. But more often than not, there's a specimen among them that I text laughing hysterically to especially married friends. Honestly, I can't help it; it's just the imagery.

Russian roulette

One particularly remarkable phenomenon is that one man my age looks like he's 25, while another could pass for 57. How is that? It's all very confusing. In the end, you swipe for something that appeals to you, but that's not what this is about right now. I see so many bizarre things that I just have to share them with you. And yes, I already encountered the man with fish. I thought everyone was joking about it, but no. While I type this, I'm doing a bit of fieldwork in the dating app. In the spirit of ‘someone has to do it’, let's just leave it at that.

Anyway, the angry selfie is a common occurrence. As if you think, ‘oh nice, angry guy, let me have a drink with him’. But that's not even the most remarkable. There are men who only post group photos. It's like a kind of Russian Roulette with who you eventually go on a date with. We also have the man in the assortment who only posts photos with women. I understand you want to show that you're a woman-friendly catch, but you also run the risk of coming off as a womanizer. Even more dubious: the photo where his ex is clearly cropped out. I never know if this is a good sign or if she just didn't want to take a photo of you.

Man in whisper pants

Then we have, hold on: the man with fifty photos of a bare torso who is clearly after one type of date, the grainy photo with sunglasses and a cap (?) where you have no idea how it will turn out in real life, the man in super tight cycling gear including whisper pants, the man with fish (he does exist), the man who takes a selfie between the sheets (?) and of course the mirror selfie in the gym. Presumably, men think that if you don't post the last one, it will never go anywhere. Meanwhile, I feel like the most unathletic woman in the world because everyone is doing padel, is in a run club, or posts a photo of some impressive mountain peak with themselves next to a flag. I do exercise three times a week, but it still feels a bit lacking.

Finally, there's the potential date who looks really nice in the first photo. You think, ‘well, my thumb and I are going to swipe in the right direction here’. But by the time you get to photo two, three, and five, it looks like a completely different person than in the first photo. Dear men, I understand you want to present yourself at your best, but let's keep it realistic.

By the way, you won't hear me complaining because after a relationship of many years, this is absolutely the most entertaining pastime ever.

Disclaimer: this is the account of a completely one-sided study among heterosexual men and on dating apps Inner Circle and Bumble. No idea how it goes in the dating world beyond that.