Fear of intimacy? Here's how to solve it
A new love is exciting, especially when it starts to get really serious. A little tension is normal, but it shouldn't become too much. Do you notice that you become very restless when someone starts to get closer? Then you probably have issues with intimacy anxiety. It can make the search for a new lover a lot more difficult, but fortunately, there are various tips that can help you.
What is intimacy anxiety?
When you think of intimacy anxiety, you might think of fear of sex. Partly that's true, but it goes further than that. Intimacy actually has four forms. On an emotional level, it involves being able to show your vulnerability. Intellectual intimacy means being able to share opinions and ideas with someone. It can also be about experiences and sharing things together. The last form is the well-known physical and sexual intimacy. Those who are afraid of intimacy become especially restless when someone gets closer on an emotional level. It's really the fear of truly opening up. The need for love and connection is there, but as soon as it gets serious, doubt begins.
The difference between intimacy anxiety and fear of commitment
Intimacy anxiety may sound the same as fear of commitment. And while there are certainly similarities, it is really something different. Those who suffer from fear of commitment are primarily afraid of losing their freedom and independence. Intimacy anxiety has much more to do with your own insecurity and shame. You are convinced that someone will not find you good enough if they really get to know you. Somewhere you want to let someone in and show yourself completely, but a little voice in your head holds you back. What if the other person doesn't like you enough?
Where does intimacy anxiety come from?
There are various reasons why you might develop intimacy anxiety. intimacy. The cause may even lie in your childhood. If you never learned that it's okay to express your feelings, you will struggle with it more as you grow older. Although fear of commitment is something very different, it can also play a role; the same goes for abandonment anxiety. Both make it harder to truly enter into a relationship and will therefore also hinder the pursuit of intimacy. Your dating history can also cause you to develop intimacy anxiety. If you've often been hurt in love, you'll find it increasingly difficult to let someone new get close in the hope of protecting yourself from more sadness. Sometimes deeper psychological issues are at play that amplify the anxiety. Unprocessed pain from, for example, PTSD or depression can also affect your current relationships.
How intimacy anxiety affects your relationships
Intimacy anxiety may not always be very obvious, yet there are various ways you can notice its effects. Butterflies are naturally part of a budding relationship; but when there is really intimacy anxiety, you will notice that these feelings become worse instead of feeling more comfortable with someone. Other clear signals are that you become irritated with the other person for no reason or only look for flaws to diminish your feelings for someone. Another way to avoid your feelings and the approach is by immersing yourself in hobbies or work. Receiving compliments is also difficult with intimacy anxiety; you constantly doubt the sincerity and motives of the other person. The main point of focus: the closer someone gets, physically or emotionally, the more you want to withdraw. What makes this particularly difficult is that the desire to enter into a serious relationship with someone is often there, but out of fear, you sabotage yourself.
What you can do about intimacy anxiety
Intimacy anxiety is quite unpleasant. Fortunately, there are various tips that can help you open up more.
1. Explore your feelings
To work on your feelings, it's good to know exactly what you feel. Therefore, ask yourself what exactly makes you restless . Often you will see that it is not due to something the other person does or says, but because of your own beliefs about what could happen.
2. Talk about it
Talking about your feelings almost always lightens the load. It helps you take a step back. Writing down your thoughts can also help with that. You can ask a friend or family member to chat; but when that is not enough, you can always turn to a professional. They will help you discover where your anxiety comes from and provide tools to cope with it better.
3. Take small steps
You won't get rid of your intimacy anxiety all at once, and you don't have to. With small steps, you will eventually get there and prevent it from becoming too much. For example, start with a conversation with a new friend and then see where it goes. It's already worth a lot that you're trying to work on it, and you should be proud of that.
4. Discover patterns
When you doubt whether intimacy anxiety plays a role for you, it can help to pay close attention to your own behavior. You may discover that you keep pushing people away when things seem to get serious. Your awareness of these patterns is the first step towards change.
5. Don't confuse closeness and freedom
Letting someone get closer doesn't mean you lose your own freedom. Especially when you can be completely yourself with someone, it will give you a tremendous sense of freedom.
6. Work on your self-image
Intimacy anxiety often comes from a feeling of insecurity. It sounds cliché, but if you don't love yourself, allowing someone else in will also be a lot harder. By working on your self-image, you automatically work on your love life as well. Try to start believing that you are good enough, because you really are.
7. A final exercise
One important thought to remember: your self-worth lies in your hands. What someone else thinks of you and whether someone would or wouldn't want a relationship does not change that value.
It won't always be easy; but by continuing to practice, you can allow intimacy more and more. Then you will discover that it is not only exciting but can also lead to love and a real connection.
Source: Women’s Health
