Does a narcissist feel when he no longer has power over you?

Spoiler alert: yes. And he doesn't just feel it a little, he feels it with every fiber of his being. A narcissist without power is like a child without an iPad: confused, angry, completely out of sorts. And guess what? You are that iPad.

Ignoring is the new torturing (for a narcissist that is)

You don't have to yell at him, write a book about him, or create an exhibition of his lies. Just ignoring is enough. Because as soon as you stop responding to his messages, stop biting on his drama, and especially: when you pick up your life again (including new love), panic sets in.

Why a narcissist can't handle loss of power

A narcissist thrives on control. Not just over situations, but especially over people. As long as you stay in his sphere – angry, sad, addicted to the apologies – he has power. But as soon as you delete him from your mind and heart, it's like cutting off his oxygen tank. He loses control. And that hurts. Not because he misses you (although he might say that), but because he has lost his grip.

This is how he behaves when he loses that grip

1. He turns into a light stalker. From “I just want to know how you are” to “I just happened to be by your house” – creepy alert.
2. He suddenly becomes a better version of himself. As if you were texting with Brad Pitt: compliments, interest in your hobbies (which he previously found ridiculous), self-reflection (which he never had). Don't fall for it.
3. He tries to blacken your name. If you no longer feed him, he seeks validation elsewhere. And he does this by blackening your name with mutual friends, on social media, or even at your work.
4. He fishes for information through others. He asks your friend “how you are doing”. Spoiler: he wants to know if you're still thinking about him.

How do you recognize that you're ‘biting’ again?

Because yes, that happens faster than you think. A few subtle signals:

• You think: “Maybe he has changed after all.”
• You respond to his messages “because it's polite”.
• You secretly check his Insta story to see if he has someone new.
• You feel responsible again for how he feels.
• You fantasize about a conversation where you explain everything nicely and he finally understands you.

Recognizable? Then you're biting again, darling. Stop. Put everything on hold. And remember: you owe no one an explanation. Certainly not a narcissist.

Being prepared is half the battle

Breaking up with a narcissist is not just ‘breaking up and moving on’. It's a strategic game. So, what can you do?

• Be unapproachable. Not responding is the most powerful statement. Silence is deadly for his ego.
• Block on social media. Not to be childish, but to protect yourself.
• Prepare for a charm offensive. Everything to pull you back into the trap.
• Keep it businesslike. If you have to keep in touch (for example, because of children)? Keep it strict, businesslike, without emotion.

New love? Count on drama

Narcissists can't handle it well when you find your happiness elsewhere. They feel rejected, replaced, invisible. And guess what: that's what they find the worst. That was probably also the case with P. Diddy and Cassie Ventura. She broke free, found a new love, became happy – and suddenly there came that legal aftermath. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Freedom smells like lavender and silence

There will come a day – and believe me, it really will come – that you wake up and his voice is no longer in your head. You eat your breakfast without a knot in your stomach. You don't have to think about your words, your clothes, your plans. You are just... you.

And that might be the most beautiful revenge of all: living as if he never existed.

5 signs that a narcissist is losing his grip on you

• He suddenly seeks closeness through ‘innocent’ messages.
• He presents himself as vulnerable (“I have changed”).
• He provokes you to get a reaction.
• He plays the victim (yes really, you were supposedly the toxic one).
• He seems unable to wish you happiness – especially if it's new.

External link: Read more about narcissism and recovery.

Image: Netflix