Pretending to listen? This is how you recognize toxic listening

Great chance that you've experienced this: you share your heart with a friend, but she is calmly scrolling through TikTok. Saying something about it gets a ‘I'm listening’ response, but we don't fall for that. This is a typical case of toxic listening, and it's quite annoying. But how can you be sure that someone is really listening to you? And, just as importantly, how do you prevent yourself from being guilty of this? Let's take you through the different forms of this ‘actually not listening’.

Selective listening: only hearing what you want to hear

This is perhaps the most recognizable form of toxic listening. You tell a story, and the other person only responds to one specific part; coincidentally the part that is relevant to them. Let's give an example: you tell your colleague that you finally have a few days off to recover from a number of hectic weeks. Her response? ‘Oh great, then you can probably fill in for me next week, you have time off, right?’ That's really hearing what you want to hear. A clear signal that they are not really listening to you.

But listening with half an ear

Listening well to someone requires your full attention, and that is quite difficult for is toxic. listeners. You can notice that they get distracted by every little thing. A message that comes in or someone walking by, everything is more interesting than your conversation at that moment. What makes this so annoying? You don't always realize it. Picking up your phone to read a message is noticeable, but having your thoughts somewhere else is a bit less so.

It’s all about me-listening

Probably recognizable: you are telling something, and suddenly the conversation shifts to the other person; and then every time again. Sharing experiences can be good, but it has to be relevant. If your situations hardly relate to each other and the other person mainly wants to talk about themselves, then that's quite toxic. A conversation is something you do together, and it doesn't have to be that one person is constantly the center of attention.

Just antisocial listening

This form of toxic listening is a bit broader. It basically comes down to someone doing something quite annoying while you are telling something. This could be tapping on the table or clicking with a pen. But perhaps even more annoying is when the other person really interrupts your conversation or tries to finish your sentences. You are completely out of your story and you know for sure that the other person is no longer listening.

This is how you ensure that you listen well

You have probably experienced one of these situations, and maybe caught yourself doing it. The intention may not always be there, but toxic listening occurs more often than you think. But how should it be done? How do you ensure that you listen well? It's handy to know, for yourself or to share with that poorly listening friend. A few tips:

1. Spot the small signals
With good listening it’s not just about hearing what someone says, but also paying attention to someone's body language or facial expressions. The way someone looks or sits can say a lot about how serious a conversation is. Being aware of this can help you respond appropriately.

2. Keep your thoughts in check
Distractions are everywhere. The people around you, your phone, or all the things that are still on your mind can all pull you out of the conversation. This results in you not really listening anymore. To prevent this, it’s important to almost force yourself to stay in the moment. Focus your attention on the other person; the rest can wait.

3. Show that you are listening
Nothing is as annoying as getting the feeling that you are talking to a wall. Make sure the other person clearly knows that you are listening. This doesn’t mean you have to respond to every sentence. You can also ‘react’ by nodding or saying ‘uhum’ once in a while. You can also use your facial expressions for this; by occasionally changing them to match the conversation, the other person sees that you are really engaged with the story. Do you want to respond in words? Then it’s good to occasionally repeat part of what the other person says. There is hardly a clearer sign that you have heard them.

Source: Women’s Health, Cosmopolitan | @indy.mood