Psyche

If your girlfriend has a terrible partner

By Ella | #!31Sun, 19 Oct 2025 05:00:03 +0200+02:000331#31Sun, 19 Oct 2025 05:00:03 +0200+02:00-5Europe\/Amsterdam3131Europe\/Amsterdam202531 19am31am-31Sun, 19 Oct 2025 05:00:03 +0200+02:005Europe\/Amsterdam3131Europe\/Amsterdam2025312025Sun, 19 Oct 2025 05:00:03 +02000050010amSunday=9#!31Sun, 19 Oct 2025 05:00:03 +0200+02:00Europe\/Amsterdam10#10-19-2025#!31Sun, 19 Oct 2025 05:00:03 +0200+02:000331#\/31Sun, 19 Oct 2025 05:00:03 +0200+02:00-5Europe\/Amsterdam3131Europe\/Amsterdam202531#!31Sun, 19 Oct 2025 05:00:03 +0200+02:00Europe\/Amsterdam10#

Love Quinn and Joe Goldberg from the series You look tense, symbolising the complexity and danger of a toxic relationship.

We have all been in a relationship where we later understood very little. What on earth did you see in her/him? Your friends didn't like it from the start, but you genuinely thought you had found the love of your life. Often, these kinds of loves have a not-so-good influence on you, and you unconsciously change in the presence of that person. You also notice that your friends are not enthusiastic, but because you have your rose-colored glasses on, you let it be. When the relationship finally comes to an end, your friends jump for joy. And rightly so.

But what do you do when your friend suddenly shows up with such a terrible partner? Last year, my good friend got involved with a man who only talked about himself and had a very creepy look in his eyes. I was sure: this is a serial killer. Well, not necessarily a serial killer, but definitely a total narcissist. That turned out to be the case. Still, my friend was head over heels in love with him at the time and wore the corresponding blinders. Fortunately, she eventually gained insight and now has a fantastic man.

Well, you naturally want the best for your friends, and that's why it's so difficult to see them with someone you (and the rest of the friend group) absolutely do not think is suitable for her. But try explaining that to someone who is in love without it turning into an argument. After all, you don't want to offend your friend, and you certainly don't want your friendship to end.

So what can you do? The following tips will help you start the conversation without hurting your friend or attacking her partner. Let's be honest, it's a delicate situation.

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1. Only take action if it's really necessary

No matter how difficult it is: only take action if it's really necessary. If someone's demeanor or way of speaking completely bothers you, that's not enough reason to call your friend out. Ask yourself if it's really ‘necessary’ to say something about her partner. As soon as you notice any form of abuse or manipulation, you should immediately raise the alarm. Keep a close eye on your friend and intervene as soon as you notice that she is being mentally or emotionally harmed by her partner.

2. Bring it up subtly

Decide to intervene? Do it very subtly and gently, preferably one-on-one. No one is waiting for an intervention with the whole friend group. So agree in advance with the rest who will have the conversation with her. Then start the conversation from a place of concern and try not to attack the partner during the conversation. Keep the focus on your friend and express that you are afraid she is not happy with this man or woman.

3. Always be polite to the partner

It won't help at all if you behave unkindly towards your friend's partner. This can even backfire and cause her to isolate herself more with her loved one. So try (no matter how difficult) to always remain courteous to her partner, because if you attack him, you indirectly attack her as well. This way, her partner cannot stir up trouble in your friendship. In other words: keep your enemies close!

4. Give it time

My last and perhaps most important advice: give it time. In most cases, your friend will eventually realize that this partner is not good for her. Even if she may have to find out in a not-so-pleasant way, it often works best for someone to come to their own realization. So be patient, light some candles, and assume that this love will fade away on its own. Sometimes we all need a hard lesson in the form of a dreadful lover, and it often takes a while for someone to become aware of this. Let her draw her own conclusions, but be there for her when the time comes.

5. Be there for your friend, regardless of the choice she makes

This may sound like a no-brainer, but be there for your friend, even if she doesn't immediately listen to your advice. It's important that she knows you are always there for her, no matter the situation. Sometimes love is blind, and it can be difficult to let go of a relationship, even if you know it's not good for you. But by offering a listening ear and supporting your friend, you create a safe space where she can ultimately make her own choices. If she eventually decides to end the relationship, you are there to catch her.

Patience and empathy are key

It can be heartbreaking to see your friend with a partner you clearly don't think is suitable, but the most important thing is to remain patient and empathetic. Often, people only realize after a while that their relationship is not good for them. By being patient, offering a listening ear, and giving subtle hints when necessary, you can help her open her eyes without forcing her choices. And who knows, she may eventually realize that she deserves better than her current partner.

Need more advice? Then you can turn to The Gottman Institutee