How to recognize a one-sided friendship (and what you can do about it)
A good friendship is worth its weight in gold. To keep that bond strong, you have to put in effort; and that applies to both of you, of course. But what if that doesn't happen? What if you are always the first to send a message or take the initiative? A friendship that threatens to become one-sided is certainly not what you want. Fortunately, there are several signals signs you can recognize, so you can intervene in time.
One-sided communication in your friendship
Just happening to call first a few times doesn't immediately mean that your friendship is one-sided. Only when everything really has to come from you and it goes beyond just starting the conversation, should an alarm bell go off. According to neuropsychologist Dr. Sanam Hafeez, there are several characteristics to look out for to assess whether your bond is really going in the wrong direction. Always having to text or call first is one of them, but this is about a long period. If you send something, it often takes a long time to get a response; or you even have to ask for it. It may also be that your ‘friend’ ignores you for a long time. If the other person does send a message, there is a good chance they need something from you.
Lack of interest and effort: these are clear red flags
You can also spot red flags when making plans. Just like with texting, you will have to take the initiative in a one-sided friendship; you also can't always rely on the other person to actually keep that appointment. Another thing to watch for: showing interest. In a one-sided friendship, you will notice that you girlfriend almost never ask how they are doing. Even remembering important moments like a job interview or your birthday is often too much to ask. All of this can be emotionally quite exhausting. And perhaps the hardest part: confronting your friend; because, what if it really goes wrong?
What can you do in a one-sided friendship?
According to Dr. Hafeez, it mainly comes down to clear communication and expressing your expectations. It may well be that the other person is going through a busy period and therefore can call or make plans less often. If you know that, you won't look for anything negative behind it, and there's nothing wrong. If you don't express yourself, you may start to doubt your friendship. Fortunately, there are several tips to make your expectations clear and to prevent your friendship from becoming one-sided.
1. When you are always the first to call
Always being the one who starts the conversation can become frustrating after a while. You start to wonder if the other person still wants to stay in touch. You can let it be known that you would appreciate it if your friend would call more often or texting. Saying something like: ‘it was nice to catch up again, feel free to call me when you have time again’ can be a subtle way; although just saying it directly is of course also an option. You can also take a step back and see if the contact really comes from the other side. If not, that already says enough.
2. Making plans
Also, when you notice that you are always the one trying to plan something fun, you can let that be known. It's important to indicate how much it would mean to you if the other person would do that once in a while. This can be subtle, by saying ‘let me know when you want to meet up’, but it can also be a bit more direct. The clearer your communication, the better your message will come across.
3. When they never remember an important moment
From a good friend, you should expect them to know when your birthday is or when you have that date planned. Forgetting something once happens to everyone; but if this keeps happening, you can definitely say something about it. Especially express your feelings and let them know that you find it important to share those moments together. It can also help to send a subtle reminder around that specific date. Maybe then a bell will ring after all.
4. If you just don't get a response
Although it may sometimes seem like it, we are not constantly glued to our phones. So it can happen that you have to wait a bit longer for a response. But there are also limits here; having to send another message to ask for a reply is not the intention. Again, according to Dr. Hafeez, it's important to keep communicating well. Knowing that the other person is busy will adjust your expectations a bit. And maybe you'll discover that a different way of communicating works better for you.
5. Planning trips
A girls' trip is of course amazing, but it requires a lot of planning. Not very convenient if you have to do it all by yourself; sharing that anticipation is much more fun. It can help to divide some tasks in advance. Who picks the hotel? Who looks for the best restaurants? You can also encourage the other person to think along by sharing your lists of hotspots. Be sure to show how enthusiastic you are, that might be contagious.
According to Dr. Hafeez, it's good to realize that you can't always give 100 percent in a friendship. Sometimes one of you has a busier period, which means it will come more from one side for a while. As long as you talk about it well, there's nothing wrong. Once there is more time again, your friendship will also receive more attention. If you notice that a bond is really fading, that's okay too. In friendship, it's about quality, not about how many friends you have. You might be better off letting that person go and using your energy for someone else who does appreciate you in return. Who knows, you might reconnect later.
Source: PureWow
