‘Date them till you hate them’: this viral dating trend is the recipe for a toxic breakup
It might be one of the most painful things you can experience; well, at least it feels that way at the moment. A breakup is something we prefer to stay as far away from as possible, but sometimes you simply can't avoid it. To soften the blow a bit, TikTok is now under the spell of the ‘Date Them Till You Hate Them’ theory. According to the comments, it's the ultimate power move to protect your feelings. But experts are less enthusiastic: they call it a ready-made recipe for a toxic breakup.
What exactly does ‘Date Them Till You Hate Them’ entail?
In a get ready with me video from 2023, TikToker Meg Neil shares how she managed to end her four-year relationship without that devastating heartbreak — and that video is going viral again. Her golden trick? The ‘Date Them Till You Hate Them’ theory. Meg stayed with her partner until her feelings slowly turned into pure irritation. Instead of addressing the things that bothered her or that she wanted to see differently, she let everything happen. No matter how disrespectful it sometimes felt, Meg didn't intervene. Love gave way to resentment, and once that point was reached, breaking up suddenly felt a lot less painful.
The theory is actually a kind of survival technique — although it's one that isn't meant for everyone. You let someone walk all over you for a considerable amount of time without saying anything about it. If that continues for a while, you naturally gather a whole list of reasons why it no longer works. The question then is no longer whether you should break up, but why you haven't done it yet.
From the comments, it seems TikTok furiously enthusiastic: this would be the ultimate power move to exit a relationship without a broken heart. No crying sessions with ‘Someone Like You’ on repeat and a freezer full of ice cream, but just: done with it. Sounds ideal, right? Well, experts are a lot less enthusiastic. The alarm bells should already be ringing at full volume.
Why ‘Date Them Till You Hate Them’ feels so appealing
Before we delve into why this theory is a red flag according to experts, first that other big question: why do people actually do this? The most obvious answer is probably already clear: avoiding that painful heartbreak. If your love has slowly faded and even your partner's coat on the coat rack irritates you, putting an end to the relationship suddenly feels a lot easier. But there's more to it.
According to researchers Caryl Rusbult and Daniel Zembrodt (who studied this back in 1983), there are roughly four ways people react when a relationship starts to wobble. Some withdraw and choose to play it safe, others keep fighting for change. A third group holds on and continues as it is, while the fourth option consists of a silent deterioration: waiting for everything to collapse on its own. Exactly that last one aligns perfectly with the ‘Date Them Till You Hate Them’ theory.
According to sexologist Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, people often choose this because they simply lack the communication skills to clearly express their boundaries or consciously end a relationship. It can also work as a coping mechanism: a way to stretch time and mentally say goodbye.
Moreover, the theory is not always used to prevent heartbreak. Breakup coach Natalia Juarez also sees it as a way to justify the end of a relationship for yourself. Your partner's shortcomings come increasingly under a magnifying glass — and with that list in hand, leaving suddenly feels not only easier but also logical; no one will bat an eye.
This dating theory is quite toxic according to experts
According to TikTok, this is the way to avoid a painful breakup. But experts are a lot less enthusiastic. With this theory, we collectively choose distance instead of expressing our irritations — and that turns out to be an unhealthy choice. According to Suwinyattichaiporn, you end up in a dangerous dilemma: ‘this person hurts me, but I stay here.’ And that feeling is not easily shaken off.
After the breakup you might be able to temporarily suppress that tension, but sooner or later it will resurface. For example, in the form of outbursts of anger, stress, or frustration in other areas of your life. You might think you have control, but in reality, that built-up tension always seeks another outlet — and it can even affect your social life or your work.
Experts are surprisingly in agreement: avoidance doesn't help you move forward; you only end up worse off. Avoiding conflicts can sometimes feel logical, but by systematically avoiding them, you also deprive yourself of the chance to grow.
As much as we would like to see it differently: a breakup hurts, and there's little to plan around that. Pushing your feelings down may sound like self-protection, but being honest with yourself remains the only thing that truly helps. The ‘Date Them Till You Hate Them’ theory promises control, but mainly prolongs the goodbye — and no one benefits from that.
Source: PureWow
