“I don't have many girlfriends”: Carlijn breaks the taboo on loneliness

“You don’t realize how jealous I sometimes am of girls who have a really big group of friends.” With those words, 27-year-old Carlijn Beuving begins her TikTok. She openly shares that she might have three or four friends, who are all separate from each other. One of them lives in The Hague, and she lives in Nederhorst Den Berg, making spontaneous meet-ups not always easy.

It’s a vulnerable topic, especially because you often see the opposite on social media. Big groups of girlfriends groups going on vacation together, heading to a festival, doing a workshop, or just spontaneously having a drink together. For Carlijn, those are sometimes exactly the moments when she realizes she’s missing something.

@carlijnbeuvingx Honestly, I’m sometimes quite ashamed of this. When people ask if I’m bringing a friend, or why I’m alone, I often reply that my friends couldn’t make it. Inside, that sometimes hurts quite a bit. I’m not posting this to seek attention or anything, and you don’t have to feel sorry for me. In the end, I manage on my own. I just hope, like with borderline chats, that I can make certain topics like this more discussable🤍 #friends #alone #chats #jealous #alone ♬ original sound – ✨ᴄᴀʀʟɪᴊɴ✨

No one to go to the Zwarte Cross with

The reason for her TikTok was, among other things, the Zwarte Cross. Carlijn wanted to go this year, but initially decided against it because she had no one to go with. “I saw that a lot of people were going there, a lot of friend groups. I wanted to go again this year, but I didn’t really have anyone to go with.”

That stayed in her mind. Things happened that she would have liked to talk about with someone, but she didn’t know who to message. “This actually feels quite crappy. And then I thought: I’m probably not the only one who feels this way.”

In the end, she did go to the Zwarte Cross, together with her niece. There, she also ran into acquaintances. Nice, for sure, but for Carlijn, there’s an important difference. “Those acquaintances aren’t friends, you know? They’re not the ones who invite me.”

She can have a great time with those people when they run into each other. But that doesn’t automatically mean they see each other outside of those moments. “They’re not the ones who would invite you to a barbecue, let alone to go to a festival.”

Many acquaintances, but few real friends

Maybe that’s the most recognizable part of Carlijn’s story: it’s not that she has no one. On the contrary. She knows a lot of people and says she easily makes contact. When she walks into a place, she’s not standing alone in a corner. She has people with whom she can laugh, talk, and have a good time.

But an acquaintance is not yet a friend. “I make contact with people quite easily. But for some reason, maintaining friendships is something I never manage.”

Sometimes she feels that people see her as just an acquaintance and that no real friendship comes from it. And that can hurt quite a bit. By the way, she absolutely doesn’t mean to say that others are obliged to invite her.

But she would like that. A group of friends with whom you can sit on the terrace, book a vacation together, or just call someone when you want to go out. Now, for example, she often goes to her sisters when she wants to go somewhere. “I love my sisters very much, they’re always there for me. But it’s really silly to arrive somewhere and say that you’re there with your sister.”

‘Maybe it’s also my fault’

During her TikTok, it becomes clear that this is not a topic Carlijn takes lightly. She gets emotional and wonders aloud if it might be her own fault. At the same time, she knows that she does a lot for others. “I always feel like I’m really trying hard for people. And I’m always there for everyone.”

She shares that she would even get out of bed at night for a friend who needs her. That’s why it can be extra difficult when that same connection isn’t always reciprocated. Carlijn also mentions that she has let herself be dragged into a certain private situation for a long time, which she thinks didn’t do her social life any good. Still, she emphasizes that she always meant well for the people around her.

And she indeed has many nice acquaintances. It’s not about having zero people around her. It’s about missing those deeper friendships.

Being alone is not the same as being lonely

At the same time, Carlijn wants to make it clear that she can be perfectly fine alone. For example, she enjoys going on vacation alone. She has no trouble spending time with herself. But that doesn’t mean she never longs for company.

And that’s where she sees the difference. Being alone can be wonderful when you choose it. But sometimes you just wish someone would ask you to join them.

Why do we talk so little about this?

According to Carlijn, there’s quite a taboo on having few friends. “You feel quite ashamed of it quickly,” she indicates. On social media, you mainly see the perfect picture. Everyone seems to have a group, everyone seems to belong somewhere, and everyone seems to always have someone to meet up with.

If you don’t have that yourself, it can make you wonder if there’s something wrong with you. “If you have no or few friends, you start to wonder: is it me?”

That’s why Carlijn finds it important to talk about it. Not to get attention, not to make people feel obliged to meet up with her, and also not to be seen as pitiful. She mainly wants to show that this feeling exists. “To see that you’re not alone, but also to show other people that they’re not alone.”

That was also the reason she eventually posted her video online, despite how uncomfortable she felt about it. She knew she was putting herself in a vulnerable position. But she had noticed before that it can sometimes be good to share the less perfect sides of life.

“Even though I have 35,000 followers, the picture is really not always that perfect”

The video clearly struck a chord. Carlijn received an incredible amount of responses from people who recognized her feelings. “I didn’t expect that so many people would feel the same way.”

Now, about two months later, she still receives responses and DMs. Many girls told her that they feel the same way. Some even suggested meeting up. That might sound like exactly the solution Carlijn hoped for, but the amount of responses eventually became overwhelming.

“I really got a lot of DMs from my girls. They said they would meet up, but that made me feel a bit overwhelmed again.”

At one point, there were simply so many that she could no longer process or respond to them all. Therefore, she left some messages unanswered, not because she didn’t appreciate the responses, but precisely because it became too much for her. In any case, Carlijn has set something in motion. Not necessarily because she suddenly has a large group of friends, but because thousands of people felt less alone because of her video.

And maybe that’s also an important part of her story. Posting a vulnerable call online can create recognition and connection, but when thousands of responses come in, that attention can also be overwhelming. Because as she says herself: “I hope that if someone else feels this way, at least you feel a little less alone.”