Ghostlighting: the dating trend you only notice when it's too late
The list of toxic dating trends is now a lot longer than we would like. But well, it can't get much worse, right? Unfortunately, it can. What is worse than one red flag? Exactly, two at once. We were already familiar with ghosting and gaslighting, but there is also the combination: ghostlighting. This uber-toxic dating trend is making its comeback now, and we certainly shouldn't be happy about it. Especially because you only notice it when it's too late...
What is ghostlighting exactly?
Whoever thought that ghosting and gaslighting were bad enough on their own, is in for an even wilder ride with ghostlighting. The trend combines the worst aspects of its predecessors. Someone just disappears without any explanation, just like you would expect from ‘normal’ ghosting. But the difference lies in what happens next: then the piece of gaslighting comes into play. As soon as that person reappears, they try to twist the truth and make you doubt yourself. They take no responsibility for their radio silence and instead place the problem on you. You are the one exaggerating; it wasn't that serious or it hasn't been that long since you last spoke. Deep down, you know better, but the ghostlighter is so convincing that you start to doubt yourself.
And that's exactly where the danger lies: you become unbalanced. In the future, you will be less likely to name behavior that is not okay, because it must be due to your perception. Especially women, according to psychologist Sarah Gundle, suffer from this; they are quicker to fear being seen as demanding. They set aside their own feelings and become insecure, and that is, of course, not okay.
How to recognize ghostlighting
To prevent your self-confidence from taking a serious hit and losing trust in others (and future relationships), it is important to recognize the signs of ghostlighting in time. This can be difficult. Not every period of less contact or miscommunication immediately falls under this trend, but there is indeed a pattern that can point you in the right direction.
The first alarm bell? Their words and actions do not match. They say they want to see you so badly, then disappear out of nowhere and later blame it on “yeah, we were both busy”. Well, that's not true. And when that radio silence comes up, they rarely take responsibility or say sorry. Instead, they twist the truth or change the subject, all to avoid owning it.
The next step is to blame you. It's never their fault; you created that distance or misunderstood something. Your memories are questioned and situations are downplayed.
The last, and perhaps most important, measure: your feelings after the confrontation. If you are left with more doubts and insecurities, something is not okay. Think carefully: does what happened actually make sense? Is it fair? Does it feel right? If not, then it's time to set boundaries.
Why people ghostlight
Just like with other toxic dating trends, we also try to find an explanation here. Why would you do this to someone? It may be hard to believe, but according to clinical psychologist Kyler Shumway, people do not always do this with bad intentions. “Most people who ghostlight are not out to be cruel. They are usually trying to protect themselves from discomfort, guilt, or shame.”
To end a relationship, situationship, or any connection, you need to be able to be vulnerable and emotionally mature. And that is not easy for everyone. Ghostlighting then feels like a safe solution to avoid that confrontation, feel no guilt, and not seem like the bad guy. Only that last part usually doesn't really work.
Time to set boundaries
If you have dealt with ghostlighting, there is one thing you must remember: it is not your fault. The fact that you genuinely want to pursue a relationship is not a bad thing. But it is now time to set your boundaries. What they do or say is not in your control, but how you respond is.
To be fair: in many cases, actually breaking up will be the better option. But whether that feels right for you, you decide for yourself, even if they come up with a very good reason why they deserve another chance. Make sure to show that a boundary has been reached and that you are taking control again. Whatever you choose, your feelings come first. And if that says it's over, then that ghostlighter can disappear. This time for good.
Source: Cosmopolitan, ELLE
