The let them-theory is the secret to getting over your ex
You would just take a moment to see how he was doing. In the meantime, you know that he was sitting on a terrace on Saturday, has a new pair of pants, and suddenly Sophie likes his photos a lot. Who is Sophie? No idea, but the group chat is all over it. Meanwhile, your series has been on pause for forty minutes and you have read his last message more times than your employment contract. Cozy, such an evening for yourself. Getting over your ex is difficult, especially when you are still trying to understand what he thinks. But just like with that one stupid message from your boss, there is something you need to do with all this information about your ex: let go. And luckily for you there is a theory that teaches you exactly that: the let them theory.
What is the let them-theory?
This is a theory that author and podcast maker Mel Robbins has come up with. It doesn't specifically focus on exes, but on all kinds of relationships and situations in life. In her book The Let Them Theory she writes about how exhausting it is to constantly want to control what others do, think, and feel. She believes it is better to accept that everyone makes their own choices. Even if you had a completely different script ready for that. And the energy you would spend on that other person, you will invest in yourself.
And in this case, it is about letting go of your ex. If your old partner doesn't want to continue together? Then let him make that choice. You can express what you feel and what you would like, but you can't make him fall in love again with the right arguments. You just have to leave him alone and let it happen. Let everyone go their own way.
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You don't have to like the break-up
The ‘let him’ might sound like you should shrug your shoulders after a breakup and happily book a vacation. No, certainly not. It's not about having to like it. You can really miss someone and cry angrily because his favorite yogurt is still in your fridge. Accepting that someone is leaving doesn't automatically mean you are happy about it. It means you stop trying to change that decision for him and move on yourself. You don't need one more conversation. And no: it is not necessary to post one more sexy photo online to show what he is missing. Before you know it, every moment revolves around an ex who didn't even care enough about you to keep trying.
That's how letting go works
With such letting go comes the recognition of your own influence. You must prevent yourself from sitting like a Hachi on the couch waiting for your ex to walk through the door again after years. Your relationship is over. You must respect him and his decision. Let him decide that he wants someone else. You don't need him. You don't have to wait for him to come with clarity or a particularly mature farewell letter to move on with your life. Finally letting him go, you do it like this:
1. block that stuff
See online that he is sitting in your favorite restaurant? Let him. If he wants to eat there, that's his problem. For example, start by muting his stories. This ensures that you don't end up crying in bed after every doomscroll because he ‘looks good anyway’. You don't need a daily briefing of his terrace visit.
2. Think about whether you miss him, or your relationship
Don't use this time to stalk, but to reflect well. Do you actually miss him? Or do you miss the time you had together? Or do you miss the idea you had of him in your head? Where you might have first seen that he planned something amazing every now and then, you now realize that you were actually in love with the idea that he would come up with weekly dates. It's very easy to think back to the good moments. They were certainly there; otherwise, it wouldn't be so hard to miss him. But yes. There were also certainly downsides that you must not forget.
3. Move on without having gotten over it
Sometimes people think that you suddenly have no more sadness when you decide to keep living. That you don't think back to that five-year relationship when you are laughing and drinking wine with a friend. Of course, that's not the case. Just because you occasionally miss someone you were super intimate with doesn't mean you can't move on. Just like daily life, healing from a breakup is like a rollercoaster. One day you feel good, and the next you suddenly fall into a deep valley. And that's okay. As long as you start reflecting and gradually let him go, you are on the right track.
So you know it: leave him alone. Don't check his Instagram for the third time. Don't think about how it would be if you suddenly adopted a dog together and don't go to his work to surprise him with a lunch. He has decided, so you must accept that. No matter how much it hurts. Let him make his decision and try to accept it. Otherwise, you will never move on.
