How to let go of that grudge (and why your body is grateful for it)
In one of my all-time favorite series, Sex and the City, Charlotte drops a kind of reassuring theory: it takes you at least half the duration of your relationship to get over a break-up. So, four years together means two years of emotional aftercare. According to her, you eventually get over everything, but I on the other hand have never gotten over anything ever. Put me in the passenger seat, give me a good playlist and an endless road, and I can stare ahead for hours. Then I also enjoy every minute. I can forgive like the best, but forget? Never ever. Or, as Taylor Swift it puts it just a bit better: “I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put ’em.” But what if I tell you that it’s good to let go of grudges completely, and not in the way your mother says, but in a way that really does something for your health?
The hidden (heavy) burdens
Let’s first clarify what forgiveness is, because it has nothing to do with justifying evil or forgetting it. True forgiveness is a conscious decision to let go of anger, even if that feels completely unjustified. You forgive the woman who ran off with the last pair Manolo Blahniks in size 38 not because she deserves it, but because you deserve not to keep walking around endlessly (in other heels) with something that is slowly eating you up. Because the longer you hold on to such a grudge, the more it rusts. That’s how you embitter people. And it doesn’t just have consequences in your mind, but also for your body: anxiety, depression, stress, elevated cortisol levels, higher blood pressure, and muscle tension. It’s not like forgiving means you’ll never have to go to the doctor again, but you feel better and others notice that too.
Forgiveness is not innate
Is it too late for me? Am I on the road to bitterness because I don’t excel at forgiving and forgetting? Not really, the art of forgiveness can be learned. It doesn’t happen all at once: one day you’re zen, the next day your blood pressure rises to 200 as soon as someone’s name is mentioned. It can happen. Getting tired of your own reaction is the first step. That you think: why does this still have so much grip on me? Then you can engage in therapy exercises like talking to an empty chair as if that person is really sitting there. Throwing out everything you feel, and then trying to respond from their perspective. And otherwise, it works to read a whole bunch of books. Eventually, you will naturally see the light.
Researchers believe that it can transform not only our family and romantic relationships but also the atmosphere in the workplace and even how we interact with each other as a world. Maybe that car ride will be a little less dramatically enjoyable, but if you generally feel lighter, it’s more than worth it.
SOURCE: Washingtonpost
