This is how it really goes at a sex party

Sex parties. Just the word alone evokes a slight feeling of panic in some and an insatiable curiosity in others. The fact is that they are increasingly popping up in conversations at the dinner table, during drinks, and as we do at the lunch table. Amsterdam has embraced them (sex parties are a big trend among trendy Amsterdammers) as one of those trends that initially raises your eyebrows but then you want to know just a little too much about. And maybe even want to go to.

Because suppose you think, maybe I want to experience this once, then it’s handy to know what you’re getting into. Because although it may sound like a kind of free fall into hedonism, the reality is surprisingly organized. That’s what I heard from a friend, haha. A very good friend, I should say.

So: here is the briefing that my friend would have liked to have, I’ll go through it with you.

Signing up is already an adventure in itself

The first thing you need to know is that you don’t just buy a ticket like for a concert. Most sex parties in Amsterdam and surrounding areas work with an admission procedure, which starts long before the evening itself. You fill out a registration form, sometimes there’s an intake or a short questionnaire, and in some cases, you are even screened via a phone call or a one-on-one meeting with the organizers. This sounds intensive, but it is deliberately set up this way. The organizers want to know who is coming in, and the people who are already coming want that too.

At some parties, it’s the case that single women are welcome but single men are much harder to admit, or not at all. The balance between present men and women is something that serious organizers actively manage, as the atmosphere depends directly on it.

Your phone stays in a locker

This is perhaps the most concrete rule and at the same time the most logical: your phone goes away. Not in your pocket, not in your bag, but in a locker or handed in at the door. At some parties, you may take it with you, but it is considered forbidden territory as soon as you leave the social space. The reason is obvious: anonymity is not a side issue on these kinds of evenings but a fundamental part of the promise that organizers make to their guests. The businesswoman standing next to you, the lawyer you might know from somewhere, the neighbor you totally didn’t expect to see here: everyone assumes that what happens here, stays here.

Photography is strictly prohibited, and violating this rule is the quickest way to get thrown out and have your name put on a blacklist.

The paper you sign

Almost always, you sign a kind of waiver upon entry, commonly known as a quit claim or consent form. This is a document in which you declare that you are present voluntarily, that you know and accept the rules, and that the organization cannot be held responsible for the choices you make as an adult that evening. It sounds formal, but it’s actually just honest. You are also asked to explicitly confirm that you understand the rules regarding consent, because consent here is not a concept but a protocol that is enforced.

The evening itself: much more social than you think

Here, the imagination of most people goes completely wrong, because what they expect is Eyes Wide Shut and what they find is rather a well-organized party with a very specific atmosphere. There is a bar, there is music, people are talking, laughing, flirting, dancing. The social space and the play areas are separated from each other, and no one expects you to teleport immediately from one to the other. On the contrary: most people spend a large part of their evening in the social zone, and that is perfectly normal and fully accepted.

You can also just go there to watch, to taste the atmosphere, to dance in your finest lingerie set, and ultimately go home without any activity. And who knows, maybe next time you’ll take a step further.

What you wear and what you bring

There is always a dress code and it is serious. Lingerie, latex, leather, an elegant suit, a transparent dress, something that makes you feel like you’ve really thought about it: that is what is expected of you. Jeans and sneakers are social death and in many cases a reason to be refused entry. There is always a wardrobe so you can just step off the metro normally and transform in the hall into the version of yourself that you want to be.

What you bring: nothing you can’t lose. Condoms are standard provided, lubricant too. Personal toys are really personal here: you bring them yourself or leave them at home. And take a girlfriend with you if you’re going for the first time, because there is a lot of downtime, it’s nice if there’s someone who knows where you are and with whom you can debrief on the couch afterwards.

The one rule that transcends everything

Consent. Explicit, verbal, enthusiastic, and always. You ask once, and if the answer is no, or doubtful, or vague, or silence, it’s no. This applies to touching, to looking, to participating. Most organizations have a zero-tolerance policy on violations of this and work with a team of hosts who monitor the evening and intervene immediately if necessary.

The ironic thing is that this is the place where boundaries are respected more than in an average terrace on a Saturday night. I, I mean my friend, actually felt safer here than in an average “normal” club.

Love, Roos

More about sex, relationships, and everything in between? Also read our previous article about the rise of sex parties in Amsterdam