This is how to spot a real narcissist and avoid them like the plague

Sometimes it seems like narcissists rule this world. Trump, who only thinks perfectly of himself and therefore starts war after war because ‘he can fix it’, Kanye West, who compares himself to Michelangelo and even, yes really, Mariah Carey. Many celebs and people in positions of power are narcissists, but you can also encounter them in your daily life. As colleagues, friends, family members, and maybe even in the dating scene. That’s why it’s good to know how to really spot a narcissist and then run away from them as fast as you can. Grab your notes, because you have homework: this is narcissist spotting 1.0.1.

Remember these red flags

Unfortunately, narcissists don’t walk around with a sign that says “Beware, emotional chaos.” They are people who at first seem anything but narcissistic. They are nice, have a lot of charisma, and know exactly what to say. They actually seem like the ideal match, but after a while, that mask comes off. And yes… then you’re stuck with them. A typical narcissist thinks very highly of themselves, wants to be admired, and has no empathy for others. For example, that one guy in your class who could look in the mirror for hours to check if his hair was okay. Or a bully who uses others to achieve his own goals. You can recognize those inflated egos by a few things:

1. Love bombing

As I said, those narcissists don’t show how they think at first glance. They plan the date, remember what drink you like, and magically come up with a performance that keeps you awake for days. It seems like they are the perfect person for you. This is the one, and they have never met anyone like you. After two weeks, they are sure: you are the one. That sounds nice, but this is a typical sales pitch; they hope you walk into their spider web like a fly. After all sorts of gifts, trips to other cities, and the best dates, the drama begins. That love bombing at the beginning is a red flag that you might be dealing with a narcissist.

2. Obsessive egotists

Does your date not ask any questions? Then it doesn’t necessarily mean they are a narcissist, but people with this disorderreally like to talk about themselves. Everything they do is perfect. To sell the picture, they do ask you questions, but eventually, the conversation always comes back to them. Once the dating phase is over, you’ll find out that you are doing everything wrong and they never are. They know just a better way to fold the laundry, and your opinion? That’s wrong. Exactly that behavior can be something that puts you on the right track, a.k.a. running away.

3. They don’t take responsibility

Those narcissists think they are always right, so they are not going to fall on their knees and say sorry. If something goes wrong, it’s not because of them. You just misunderstood, causing everything to go wrong. Or it’s someone else’s fault: your parents are just crazy people who don’t know how the world works. But their fault? That’s never the case. It’s always your someone else’s.

4. That charmer is cold inside

You can easily recognize a narcissist by someone who plays a role. Outside, they are the perfect son-in-law or partner. They laugh with everyone, always know how to make small talk, and are knowledgeable. That person orders the best wine and can tell the most beautiful stories. You are praised as the best partner ever, but when you get home, that disappears like hair down a drain. Then it’s about that weird comment you made, or the dress that’s too low-cut. Where others only see a joker, you know better. Someone who is always critical, controls you, and is simply mean. Does your partner have two faces? Then you might be dealing with a narcissist.

5. Boundaries don’t exist

The word no is not in a narcissist’s dictionary. They will manipulate you for as long as it takes until you change your mind. They will play the victim, or act like they are the victim. “Oh, how pitiful I am after a long workday. I really can’t unload the dishwasher. By the way, you can do that much better, I always put the glasses in the wrong place.” Through a lengthy speech, you will really believe that it’s pointless and that you might as well do the dishes. This applies to everything: sex, dates, and even your statements. Everything is allowed, but only if it follows their rules.

How to avoid a narcissist

You quickly fall into the trap of a narcissist because they start as dream scenarios. They give you exactly what you are missing in life. Attention, validation that you never got from your father, and excitement. You will experience things you never did before: distant travels, picnics, things your ex never did with you. Everything seems perfect, and slowly they pull the rug out from under you. Still, there are a few things you can do to avoid them.

1. Trust your gut feeling

Is someone moving too fast? Does someone say they love you after the second date? Then this can already be a signal that this person is not meant for you. Your body knows much sooner if someone is good for you than you think. Are you super nervous and just want to spit for that third date? Then your stomach knows something is wrong. Are you suddenly getting weird breakouts and covered in pimples? Those are warnings.

2. Test boundaries

Try to indicate earlier that you don’t want something. Don’t jump into bed after a first date. Postpone an appointment, make a wrong comment about someone’s hair. Really: test the waters. If you notice that someone finds it difficult to let go of control and gets angry, then you already know it can only get worse.

3. Take off those rose-colored glasses

In the first phase of falling in love, you become blind. I know that better than anyone, but it’s still important to take off those rose-colored glasses. If something stands out to you, discuss it with your friends or parents. They know you best and wish you a happily ever after. Look critically at someone’s behavior: does that person really treat you well, or do they just have a pretty face? Check your ‘feedback’ with acquaintances and then make a pros and cons list. By looking at it from a distance, you might discover that you don’t want a fourth date after all.

Look, spotting a narcissist is not an exact science, but the better you know the signals, the smaller the chance that you will lose yourself. Someone who is really good for you will never make you doubt like that. The better you prepare yourself, the faster you will get rid of a narcissist. And the next time? You’ll recognize them from thousands. That saves you time to get away as quickly as possible.

Image: NICOLE RIVELLI\/NETFLIX