Why a narcissist always turns it around so that it’s your fault
In their world, everything is always your fault.
Why a narcissist always turns it around so that it's your fault: they immediately throw the ball back
Do you recognize this: you say very normally, without tone: “oh I don’t like how you just said that.”
And yes, within three seconds you hear: “Well, you’re always distant.” “You have to say that.” “You must have forgotten what you do wrong?”
The ball comes back, again, directly. Immediately again as a counterattack. And yes, suddenly it’s no longer about your feelings. It’s about your shortcomings again. No, you’re not mistaken. This is not communication, this is exactly avoidance.
Why a narcissist always turns it around so that it's your fault: attack is the best defense
ATTACK IS THE BEST DEFENSE. At least, for narcissists, yes. Moreover, for someone with strong narcissistic traits, this is an automatic reflex.
As soon as you mention anything that rubs, yes, then that attack follows again: “What do you think you are?” “You always exaggerate.” “This is exactly why talking to you is impossible.”
And you are shocked, because you really just wanted to discuss something. Okay, pay attention! Because what happens here is very important: defending would mean that something might have gone wrong. And that hits a narcissist so intensely hard. The emotion of anger feels much safer for them, so you get the anger again. Are you starting to recognize the pattern?
Why a narcissist always turns it around so that it's your fault: first stoke the fire, then point at you
Okay, this might be the most confusing and incomprehensible for someone with a different brain than a narcissist: they start. A jab, a provocation. You respond, as a normal person does. Just normally human, sometimes hurt or angry. And then they turn it around again: “See how you react?” “You’re always so intense.” “This is what I mean.”
And as a result, the original action disappears. And yes, then your reaction suddenly becomes the problem. The arsonist points to the smoke and cries fire hazard. This is really incomprehensible and hard to grasp.
Why a narcissist always turns it around so that it's your fault: the truth is rewritten
After their attack often follows something even more subtle: because reality is distorted.
“I never said that.” “That’s not how it went at all.” “You always remember things wrong.”
And that is gaslighting. Or rather, the well-known manipulative technique where someone completely undermines your perception. According to experts on
Psychology Today this is the pattern that causes victims to increasingly doubt themselves.
And those who doubt themselves are weaker. Exactly the intention of a narcissist.
Why a narcissist always turns it around so that it's your fault: or they list what you haven't done
And here comes the list: “And what about you?” “You’re not perfect either.” “You also did last week…”
The conversation becomes a listing of all your mistakes. Not to grow together, but to take all the attention away from their own behavior. Your point is not discussed, but drowned out. And then, the circle is complete again and you are back on the defense.
Why a narcissist always turns it around so that it's your fault: they take no responsibility (because that means change)
Here comes the core with narcissists. If they were to take responsibility, it would mean acknowledging: I did something wrong. And that means adjusting. Growing and changing. They don’t want that, because in their world, everything is always your fault, so why would they change?
And because of this, life with a narcissist is unbearable. A narcissist does not change as long as he or she does not acknowledge their own share. And the greater the underlying guilt, the harder the denial. Sometimes so hard that you turn into the difficult, the unstable, the aggressive in their story. Because if they had to acknowledge what they did, their self-image would collapse. And that is unbearable.
Why a narcissist always turns it around so that it's your fault: you are empathetic
And this might be the most confronting insight: it works on people who reflect. Who want harmony. Who think: maybe I can explain it better. But really, in a healthy relationship, two people do not throw the ball back to win. They lay it still. And if you are structurally the one who says sorry, reflects, and adjusts, then the problem is not automatically with you.
Why a narcissist always turns it around so that it's your fault – and why that is not true
Why a narcissist always turns it around so that it's your fault has nothing to do with your worth. It all has to do with control, shame that cannot be felt, and responsibility that is avoided.
One piece of advice: you do not want to play this game. This game cannot be won. Narcissists do not change. This is not how love should be.
