This is why you always sabotage your relationships when it gets too ‘real’
Do all your relationships magically end after the three-month mark? Do you catch yourself wanting attention and love at all costs, but then feeling suffocated after a while and deciding to run away? Then I have bad news for you: you are most likely sabotaging your relationships. The moment someone gets closer, you run hard in the opposite direction. What causes this? Not because you have a ‘cold heart’ or are selfish. No, that fleeing comes from something entirely different.
How it is that you keep running away time and time again
If you feel addressed, you probably know it well: after dating for a while, your relationship suddenly starts to get very serious. Where you used to go out for fun evenings, you are now paying the rent for an extra toothbrush (and a partner you see more and more often in the mornings). Dating has made way for the dreaded r-word: , stop it, I know all about it. Then you are also Wendy van Dijk, everything is going rough, and this delicate part of yourself is laid out so broadly in the press, and then we also write about it. Actually, only because I hope that things will work out between the two of them. Wendy, Erland, as I read and hear all this, there is still a lot of love between you two. Straighten your backs, pick up that phone, and book that couples therapy session. Because as far as I'm concerned, you are both way too great as a duo.. The moment that fun person wants to meet your parents, you start to feel like a cat in a corner. Although just last week you couldn't wait to see them, now you suddenly start to have doubts. You don't understand why, but it all doesn't feel right anymore. And so you decide to run. You start with the well-known ‘it's not you, it's me’ excuses in the hope that you can finally sleep alone again. When you've pushed someone away again, you feel relieved that nothing bad happened, but secretly you're hurting yourself more than you think.
You probably don't even do it on purpose. If it doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel good, right? That's true, but if this happens every time, your gut feeling might not be right. Those doom feelings are not omens, but signals from your nervous system trying to protect itself. That knows anxiety therapist Monique Harskamp. According to her, your brain creates a pattern of thoughts and behaviors that unconsciously puts you in front of all sorts of obstacles. Your brain does this to keep you safe from potential harm or danger that you've experienced before. Think of partners who have cheated, parents who have left you, or your own insecurities. All of this can cause you to doubt everything and run away at the first serious step.
How do you recognize self-sabotage while dating?
If you're trying to lose weight but still buy chocolate bars and Ben & Jerry's ice cream every week, you understand that you're sabotaging yourself. But how do you see that in a relationship? That's a good question. It might not be as obvious to spot as an alcoholic drinking a beer, but there are certainly signs you can look out for. Like...
You keep pushing people away
How is your brain going to ensure that you don't acquire new trauma? By avoiding all dangers. It therefore needs excuses to repel loves that could hurt you. You start to doubt whether you deserve that person. Is he not too nice for you? Or does she have a career she will have to give up if it gets serious, because you've always dreamed of moving to America? At some point, your brain only sees bears on the road. These reasons suddenly seem like the logical answer to the doubts about whether you are meant to be and yes: you start to push that person away.
You cling quickly to partners
This may sound strange, because we just talked about pushing people away, but a sign of self-sabotage can also be the exact opposite: you cling to your fresh lover. Although it has just become serious, you are already afraid that that person can leave at any moment. You start to feel desperate and constantly seek reassurance, which you often don't get. By obsessively hanging onto a new partner, you actually scare them away, and there is a chance that they will indeed leave.
Overthinking and analyzing everything
Self-sabotage is not just about the idea that you don't deserve someone. It often starts with negative thoughts. Because you don't allow happiness, you start looking for reasons why your relationship isn't as good as you thought. Everything the other person does suddenly becomes annoying. He's a night person, his sister doesn't seem to like you (even though you've only seen her once), and oh yes: he once said that your favorite artist isn't really his taste. You start to think about every little thing: what if this is a reason that it won't work out in the long run? Then you save yourself a lot of trouble and pain if you break it off now. Do you recognize the pattern yet? You are looking for every excuse in the world to avoid opening up, because what if it ultimately doesn't end successfully?
You probably don't even do that self-sabotaging consciously. For you, it really feels like everything is against you. Do you recognize yourself in these things? Then it's good to ask yourself why you don't want to get closer. You think you want to, but the moment someone gets closer, you run away. Talk about it with your (future) partner or friends and try to take that step. Maybe you'll meet the love of your life. And if not, then at least you've given it a chance and are one step closer to the real thing.
