This is how to tactfully cancel all the parties you don't feel like attending
That Tuscan wedding for which you actually have no money. That baby shower that comes at such an awkward time, the big Abraham disco party of your 50-year-old uncle that you Just. Don't. Feel. Like. Attending. HOW DO YOU SAY ‘NO’?
Canceling turns out to be quite a thing. And I'm not going to pretend to be holier-than-thou, because in recent years I've also canceled parties with the most ridiculous excuses. ‘Saying ’no' is something you have to learn. It's a matter of sensing when and to whom you say ‘no’. Can you even afford not to show up at certain important moments in someone else's life? And can you, on the other hand, justify saying ‘yes’ to others and ‘no’ to your own me-time? I'm telling you: it's tough. A whole lot of moral dilemmas and tug-of-war in your brain.
But there is hope. Really. A few days ago, I read a piece in Het Parool by journalist Kim van der Meulen, and she describes the monstrous problem as something very simple. Saying ‘no’ to an invitation in a tactical, stylish, and polite way: it can be done. And this is how you do it:
Step 1: scan the ‘victim’
Well, it's more awkward to cancel at your best friend's birthday than at that school reunion you weren't really looking forward to anyway. In moments like these, I always think: will you be intensely missed by the birthday person/bride/younameit? Are you really disappointing people, or do you just think so? If the answer is ‘yes’: pull yourself together and go anyway, even if it's just for a bit. If the answer is ‘nah’? Move on to step 2.
Step 2: be honest and respond quickly
Although you can just say you already have something on that date, many people tend to first give a sort of vague half ‘yes’, only to cancel later with an excuse. And that just puts you in a tricky situation. Last-minute cancelers are the most annoying, so if you immediately feel: meh, I don't want this, try to respond right away. It saves you a lot of headaches in the end.
Step 3: if you do come up with a lame excuse, at least make sure it's close to the truth
Sometimes it's too painful to be honest. Saying you have no money, for example, or that you just don't feel like it, or that you're burned out. I get it. But coming up with a sad excuse about poor grandma X (karma friends, never do that), or cat Loulou who is finally going to give birth is not handy. Don't want to talk about that burnout? Tone it down a bit and at least be honest that you're running yourself ragged. Have an embarrassing diarrhea attack? Say your irritable bowel is acting up and laugh about it. A complete lie often comes across differently than a half-truth.
Step 4: for last-minute cancelers: call
Especially if you cancel at the last minute, it's important to let your voice be heard. Suppose you've just had a huge fight with your partner and you don't want to show up crying at a party, just call to say that something happened at home that prevents you from coming. And immediately make a new appointment to show that the relationship with the person from the party is important to you. You have to be a mega jerk not to show understanding for this. Good luck being tactful. Because, just to be clear: it's an art form.
Our May has of course already mastered it. I, uh, still need to practice a bit. That Tuscan wedding for which you actually have no money. That baby shower that comes at such an awkward time, the big Abraham disco party of your 50-year-old uncle where...
