These well-known relationship rules are not very healthy at all, according to experts

Having a strong relationship is often a bit harder than some romcoms would have us believe. Good communication is key; and yes, you can't escape that cliché of give and take. Once you both find yourselves in a routine after all that probing, there are often necessary ‘rules’ that come with it. Think about agreements on what is and isn't allowed, or the absolute no-go's in your relationship. A few clear boundaries are fine, but sometimes the red flags are closer than you think. According to relationship experts, not all relationship rules are equally healthy.

No new friends of the opposite sex

It might be the oldest relationship debate there is; and one that resurfaces after every ‘When Harry Met Sally’ rewatch: can you really be friends with someone of the opposite sex? For many couples, this is a bit of slippery ice. They agree that the other person cannot make new friends of the opposite sex. Were you already friends with someone before your relationship started? Fine. But new friendships? Those are off-limits.

According to Rachel Rose, a relationship and boundary coach, this rule is surprisingly often introduced by men. She believes they are instinctively more territorial and assume that all heterosexual men think the same way. The idea that a man and a woman can be friends without romantic intentions simply feels unrealistic to some. However, according to Rose, a relationship ultimately revolves around trust. A rule like this should therefore always be negotiable. Both partners should be able to express their feelings about a new friendship and — by remaining open and respectful — come to a solution that works for both.

Always need contact when you're not together?

How often do you talk to your partner during a trip with girlfriends? Or in another situation where you are apart for a few days? Every couple has its own rules. One call in the evening, texting all day, or just seeing when you have time to send something. For many couples, one moment of contact per day feels like a must, while others want to be a bit free from each other. But what works best?

According to Rose, that one moment is actually exactly what you want, especially if your relationship has just started. “Starting a relationship means you are continuously working on trust and transparency. It also means involving each other in each other's lives,” she explains. Completely ignoring the other when you're away can feel like neglect. You are probably busy and distracted during your trip, but your partner is mainly curious about how you are doing. A quick message can then provide exactly the reassurance that is needed. A small 'I'm thinking of you.' A small effort that keeps your relationship strong; and let's be honest: sharing your experiences is just fun.

Checking who your partner follows on social media

Relationships have always been complicated, but social media hasn't exactly made it easier. Because which accounts show up in your partner's feed suddenly leads to a whole new discussion. A lover who follows a lot of attractive models they don't know is a no-go for many people. The temptation to scroll through that following list every now and then is quite large. But according to experts, that's not a good sign.

“I think this mindset is a result of the significant influence social media have on our emotional space, and that can quickly become unhealthy in relationships,” says Rose. According to her, it's important to realize that the beginning of a relationship doesn't mean the rest of the world suddenly disappears. You will still notice other people. If your partner follows a few accounts that make you doubt — perhaps from before your relationship — and mostly acquaintances? Then usually, there's not much going on. If that list mainly consists of Instagram models, then it might be time for a conversation. A little attention is fine, but don't take those socials too seriously.

And for some couples, that control goes a step further. Also forbidding your partner to say anything about the appearance of someone of the opposite sex, even if asked? That's not the healthiest rule either. According to dating coach Sabrina Zohar, that's not about setting boundaries, but pure insecurity. If your relationship is solid, that's unnecessary. Your partner can think someone looks nice, as long as you remain the priority.

Contact during a night out

During a vacation, regular contact feels logical, but do you have to texting if you have your own plans for one evening? A quick message when the other is out with friends is a must for some lovers. The desire for that feeling of safety — and knowing that the other is thinking of you — remains the same. However, the situation does make a difference for how healthy such a rule is.

According to Rose, you can handle this agreement just fine, as long as it feels natural for both of you. But precisely because it's about one evening, it can also be good to not speak to each other for a while and take time for yourself. That's not a sign of neglect, but rather of independence — and according to Rose, that's essential in a good relationship. It also ensures that you have enough to talk about, keeping it fun and exciting. If it's about a longer period, then such a contact moment is completely okay. But also give your partner some me-time every now and then.

This also includes not requiring good morning or good night texts. If you really need those to know that everything is okay, that's not a good sign according to Zohar. Those messages can quickly feel like an obligation, rather than a sincere and loving contact moment.

Always sharing your location with your partner

It has its conveniences: being able to check where your partner is, so you know if you need to hurry with dinner. However, sharing your location also leads to necessary discussions. Do you always need to see where the other is? And is it actually healthy for your relationship to demand that from each other?

According to psychologist Alex Limanowka, it mainly revolves around the intention. Do you want your partner's location because it's sometimes just practical, or because it reassures you to know that he or she has arrived safely? Then there's not much wrong. But if you mainly want it because you feel insecure about your relationship and want to control the other? Then something is clearly not right. So take a moment to reflect on why you have this rule, and whether it means the same for both of you.

Permission needed for a tattoo or piercing

Everyone has their own type. Some are attracted to blondes, while others get a bit warmer from a big head of brown curls. And not everyone has tattoos or piercings on their wish list. But preferences can change. Maybe your partner suddenly wants a rose on his arm. Can you forbid that, and should you even want to?

According to sex and relationship expert Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, these kinds of agreements mainly revolve around respect. Control should never be the driving force. Whether or not to like tattoos can be related to values that are important to someone, and that should be open for discussion. But ultimately, one rule counts: your partner's body is not yours. Yes, you can have a preference and express your opinion, but at the end of the day, it's not your choice. Forbidding is therefore not the best option. Discussing it, on the other hand, can never hurt.

Does sex have to follow a schedule?

In the beginning of a new relationship, you can't keep your hands off each other. But to be honest: that often fades over time. Hectic schedules demand attention and push intimacy lower on the priority list. After a long workday, you mainly want to be under the covers to sleep; not necessarily for other things. Some couples therefore choose to create a schedule in which they plan sex. Maybe not the sexiest, but hey: celebs do it too. According to actress Kristen Bell, it can even work very well. So it can be a nice solution, as long as it doesn't become an obligation.

Quality is always more important than how often you have sex, according to O'Reilly. If a schedule helps to give intimacy more priority again, that's only good. But it shouldn't be that you have sex because it ‘has to’ according to the plan. So don't get too attached to that schedule. Sometimes a day goes differently than expected, needs change, or someone just really isn't in the mood. Mutual consent remains a must, without the feeling that you are disappointing your partner.

For all rules, the right intention, good consultation, and clear communication can make them useful. But only if it works for both and you are flexible with it — otherwise, it becomes unhealthy. Love cannot be confined to rules, and that's okay. Maybe that's even part of the charm.

Source: Huffpost