Sexless male voices

Let me show a picture of David Beckham and I immediately slide off my chair, but as soon as he opens his mouth, the excitement quickly fades. This is, ladies and gentlemen, the David Beckham effect. “The phenomenon that a well-shaped man gets an off-putting effect due to his voice” could be the definition.

Voice is so important, it can even really be a dealbreaker. I once had a date with a particularly handsome man. We met in a club (with a lot of loud music), exchanged numbers at the end of the night, and after a week of texting back and forth, we decided to go for a beer. Mind you, this man was really very handsome. And very tall, and he could text really fun so I was actually already half in love. So I was all dressed up and ready in my best suit at the date spot when he walked up, and in the light, he was even more handsome than I remembered from the club. He walked up to my table, sat down next to me, and I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I do remember that he had the voice of a six-year-old girl with a thick Twente accent. There went my feeling of being in love. Bang, just like that, out the window. With everything he said, I could only hear how he said it, and not what. This was also the first and last date I had with him. Such a shame.

I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I do remember that he had the voice of a six-year-old girl with a thick Twente accent.

The way someone talks is also crucial. I really can’t stand it when someone talks very. slowly. That I already know halfway through his sentence where he wants to go, but the clue. just. doesn’t. come. because. he. talks. SO. painfully. slowly. I can go crazy from that. Furthermore, I have trouble with accents. Very snobbish perhaps, but it is so.

Conversely, a good voice can save the day. If a not very good-looking man suddenly has the voice of Morgan Freeman, then I see no problems. Take a man like Jeroen Nieuwenhuize. Okay, he happens to look pretty good too, but that voice of his, that voice! Jet falls for him like a ton of bricks, “I would love to be in bed with him. He is also so fucking tall!” Such a deep male voice, that you know you really have a man next to you. You know what I mean?

Footballers often suffer from the David Beckham syndrome. They stand there sweaty and muscular looking quite ruggedly attractive, but then some nonsense comes out of their mouths. I can’t deal with that. The moral of this story, ladies, always check how your new flame talks first. Unless it’s David Beckham, he can come home with me. I’ll give him a notepad for the necessary communication.