The riddles of contemporary dating

Last week I came across an article that stated that today's “hook-up culture” is actually a completely incomprehensible mess. Now that we can all date freely and happily and sex after the first date (or even without a date) is perfectly acceptable, it is a jumble of unwritten rules. When is something “serious?” When does your fling suddenly become more than a fling? What is a fling anyway? Can you also go out to dinner with your fling or is that secretly more like dating instead of just occasionally having a sleepover? And what is dating actually?

It varies a bit by culture, but in the Netherlands, it is perfectly normal to ‘hang out’ with someone for months without calling it a relationship. Going out to dinner, sex, meeting friends, everything can fall under the umbrella of dating. “No, it's not a relationship, we are dating.” There was a time when dating automatically meant being in a relationship, but that is no longer the case. Those months can very well end in nothing, and things just fade away. Sometimes you know that in advance, “no, we are just messing around” is then the answer, but sometimes, sometimes the cookie just crumbles.

Going out to dinner, sex, meeting friends, everything can fall under the umbrella of dating.

And that is the next point: no one wants to admit what ‘it’ is. Slapping a label on it is terrifying because then it is so, not talking about it is the easiest option because as long as it is not discussed, there are no rules. The classic ostrich strategy. We all want to be free, and as long as you make a verbal agreement that you have a thing, you have to let certain things go. Honestly, I have tons of girlfriends and guy friends who, to the outside world, are in a serious relationship but stubbornly keep insisting that is not the case. And while they all know it is not okay to flirt with someone else and they would be furious if he did. So, you only do it with each other, like each other enough to spend time together month in and month out , delve into each other's lives, and have sex that only gets better – but it is NOT a relationship., So, you only do it with each other, like each other enough to spend time together month in and month out.

Then the terminology. The aforementioned article talks about 'seeing each other,' 'dating,' and 'just hanging out.' All three things come down to the same (you meet up and have sex) but in practice, they mean something completely different. When is your booty call a fling? When is your fling a date? When is your date a thing? No one knows. Not a problem in itself, until both parties attach different expectations to it. What is a fling for you , delve into each other's lives, and have sex that only gets better – but it is NOT a relationship., So, you only do it with each other, like each other enough to spend time together month in and month out.

might be a date for the other person., He might want more and assumes you do too, while for you it is perfectly fine to keep it casual, and in turn, you assume he thinks exactly the same. That is bound to go wrong sooner or later.. If you constantly have to think about whether something is or isn't something, isn't that just exhausting?.

A solution to all this would be to just discuss it with each other. 'Hey, quick question, what exactly are we to each other?' But it's not that easy. Many women (and men, by the way) would rather throw all their shoes (in his case, all his computer games) out the window than ask that question. And sometimes the answer just isn't there. 'We'll see' seems to be the relationship status of the dating person nowadays. Sometimes I don't know if that freedom is liberating or suffocating. If you constantly have to think about whether something is or isn't something, isn't that just exhausting? For now, there is no clear answer except that time will tell. And maybe it's time for Facebook to create a new status option: we'll see.

Last week I came across an article that stated that today's “hook-up culture” is actually a completely incomprehensible mess. Now that we can all freely...