Amayzine

I watched an episode of Temptation Island and this is what I thought

“Oh my god, did you see what that Parastoo did last night? What a slut!” For weeks I couldn't join the conversation. Not at the coffee machine, not on Twitter, and not on the street. But I stuck to my opinion that it was a stupid show.

Everyone, EVERYONE around me seemed to be captivated by Temptation Island. An RTL5 show in which four couples have to ‘try’ not to cheat while being tempted from all sides by excited actors. The show that I secretly still wonder if it’s not, uh, a bit ridiculously 2002, but apparently we are all still waiting for it in 2017. In fact: this season (last week was the finale) turned out to be an unprecedented hit with an average of about 559,000 viewers per episode. Temptation is hot. And sure, if something is hot, I can crawl into a corner like the I-Hate-Smurf (do you hear that little voice in your head? “I HAAATE cycling”), but maybe I should just watch an episode. To see why everyone is so captivated by it. So I did. And this is what I thought.

”Temptation is hot. And sure, if something is hot, I can crawl into a corner like the I-Hate-Smurf.”

  1. Should I start with episode 1? Or should I go straight to episode 10? Which I know is undoubtedly much juicier? But what if I secretly like it? Then I’ve already spoiled it. Okay, I’ll start with episode 1.
  2. LISTEN TO MYSELF! I’M ALREADY AFRAID I MIGHT ACTUALLY LIKE IT.
  3. I’m introduced to the four (fairly ordinary, sorry) couples who take on the challenge. I hear some Herbert telling his girlfriend that he cheated in the past to see if he would miss her. Haha. HA-HA-HA. My first impression of Herbert is that he has three shrimp in his head.
  4. Just a moment about that Herbert. He wants to say something nice about ‘his’ Jolien and then says that she HAS A BIG ASS. Yes, I really heard it. Flemish for a nice butt. Dear creators, we should have noticed that those half Belgian/half Dutch shows are no longer a chill idea experienced Expedition Robinson? Stop with that shit. Or should I say: with that big ass?
  5. That same Jolien is the most perfect chick for this show ever. “Yes, he cheated. We weren’t together for that long… Yes, he’s a man, I get that.” Creators, where do you find these kinds of couples?
  6. Is the relationship of Lize (23) and Jefferson (21) not doomed to fail anyway? I honestly don’t believe this is a real couple.
  7. The first pool party is a fact. And some Parastoo (yes, I finally know who Parastoo is) behaves like a deranged overly sexualized Jack Russell who wants to lick and ride everything. My god, those men are going to have a hard time there in Thailand.
  8. It’s too funny for words to see how the male/female seduction game works. The single women have no shame and jump on their prey like horny hyenas while the male singles play the most wrong ‘I’m genuinely interested in you and don’t want anything else from you’ game.
  9. It’s actually not that weird that those people cheat after eleven days. We’re all a bit cuckoo for still falling for it. Because:
    – All four couples have been cast for having cracks in their relationship.
    -Of the four couples, three have already cheated in the Netherlands.
    -It’s ridiculously hot (and you’re on an island so not much clothing.)
    -The pool plus bar is the number 1 chill spot in the house.
    -There’s unlimited alcohol.
    -Many activities are physical (wet T-shirt contest, dancing together, massages, etc.). -The creators manipulate the footage so that partners want to take ‘revenge’ on each other, causing the whole mess – if it wasn’t already – to completely explode. So, uh, is it really surprising that they cheat? No.
  10. They’ve been in that villa for less than two hours and that Parastoo is already riding people and chasing after guests. I’m cracking up.
  11. And the award for the most naive contestant goes to… EVERYONE WOOHOO.
  12. Shit, I secretly think this is a bit funny, I think. As a guilty pleasure. And I’m only on episode one… I’m in trouble, right?
  13. Okay okay, this hate smurf comes with a new conclusion. I’m a little ashamed to say this, but if you have really seen all the good series on Netflix and have double-checked left and right if you’re alone and in the mood for a guilty pleasure, then you’re ready for Temptation Island. At your own risk that brain cells might die, that’s how it works.