Johnny, I'm worried about you

Mister Depp, we need to talk. Because I think things are not going well with you. During the morning round of sleaze (I'm filling in for Elke, who is on vacation), I suddenly come across a number of photos that shock me. You were on your way to Lady Gaga's 31st birthday and you looked downright, well, crap. Definitely ten kilos lighter.

Also image-wise, I have the feeling that things are not going smoothly. First that heavy separation with Amber Heard (including allegations of abuse), then your spending habits suddenly come to light (30,000 dollars a month on wine, seriously?) and now you are facing the paparazzi with a skinny face that looks anything but healthy. Are you taking care of yourself at all? I also read something about acute financial distress and lawsuits and I actually start to worry about you. Do you know that you are my favorite? Isn't it an idea to let everyone get a bit crazy and just chill on Bali for two months? Life can be a bitch sometimes, Johnny, but really, on my advice, eat some extra brownies during this period and you'll be fine. I feel it.

Oh and, my friend, if it just happens that you had to play a skinny Jack Sparrow for the new Pirates movie who was held captive for two months by octopus tentacles in an underground bunker, just text me, okay? Then I can sleep peacefully again.