KIKI’S EXPEDITIE ROBINSON GEBRABBEL
(week 5)
Ha Ex Robbers, a very good morning. First of all, a Big. Fat. Applause for yourself. Last Friday, the site was out of its ROOF all day, for which kudos and kisses to you. Little cassava, I think it has never happened in the history of Amayzine that we received more than five thousand responses to a piece. But god, what did you expect with the Tasmanian Devil? Soundos in the building.
Speaking of which; The Great Soundos Show is really a bit over. Did the fuss on Twitter actually help? Was it all Expedition Boring this week? Yeah, it was indeed a bit tamer. But, thank god the hustle hustle of Camp North and South brings a bit of life back to the brewery, yeeee ha! And, is it just me or was a different kind of shots chosen for this episode? The unknown Dutch people actually get a face. For the FIRST time we are officially done with the teeth brushing puzzle. For the FIRST time, there is some naughtiness brought into the program with glances, bunches of bananas between the legs and horny music. Next week in Sexpedition Robinson? Carlos swims to Camp North to have a good time with Imke - okay stop. We are going to babble. Shit is going to happen this week.
1. And the award for the most awkward I-get-chosen-last-at-gym moment goes to... Sounie! Nope chick, not good for your ego, this program. Good for a clean slate at the camp of the unknowns. For how long it lasts at least.
2. Soundos: “They are bloody arrogant. I’m glad I’m gone.” Ha-ha. HAHAHA. Laughing out loud. On Twitter, you see one picture after another of a mirror passing by. Love it. The word of the week? Resentment.
3. Itchy moment of the evening: “I’m soooo glad another BN’er is coming.” Carolina, you silly girl, act normal. What was your profession again?
4. Luckily, Carolina is at least happy to see Soundos. I think she is genuinely the only one in the whole of the Netherlands at the moment.
5. By the way, I have heard from reliable sources that RTL5 is working on the recordings of a new program: Trouble with Soundos. Where can I sign up?
6. I wouldn’t be surprised if the scriptwriters of Saw (do we still remember those trauma films?) get inspiration from the water test of Ex Rob. What a suicidal situation, gasping in the water.
7. Crew member 1: “We need to come up with something to cover the costs this year.”
Crew member 2: “Can’t we do one of those SMS things in the ad like they always do at The Voice of Holland?”
Crew member 1: “Yeah, but no one falls for that, winning those so-called five thousand euros?”
*Half naive Netherlands on their phone: ‘Robinson’ to 3030, send.
8. Have we all realized that Niels is becoming the new Soundos? That tropical gay vibe Wibra scarf from that guy makes me a bit gallish, people.
9. Technically, I could say something about Imke's Bert eyebrows now. Could be.
10. Thoughts of Soundos during the explanation of the test. “What? Competing to get to Camp North or South?” LET YOURSELF FALL. OFF THAT BEAM. NUUUUUUUUUU.
11. Okay, so it was already clear that Camp Unknown got a disadvantaged position this year, but that Dennis and Nico don’t even bother to step into that boat with their butts to get to their long-awaited test is everything.
12. Playing hard to get à la 2017:
Kaj: “Tongues?”
Marieke: “Hmm, maybe after the merging.”
Marieke, I love you. Please win.
13. So I definitely took those five stroopwafels with a hypocritical face and ate ALL FIVE an hour later. Dear, pure Imke. You are too good for this world.
14. “No, we’re not voting her out, she brought food.”
*Said no one ever in Expedition Relletjeson.
15. Kaj before he had a bed: ‘We live in a burned-down village. And we long for a father who can give us a smack.“
Priceless: the face of Henk arriving at Camp Achenebbisj Beer Can. That poor guy is scared to death and gets to work like a madman.
Kaj after he had a bed: ‘Look, one day Henk is already very nice...“
HAHAHA. Rat.
16. “He is really someone you can feel comfortable with...” Kiki: visual thinker. Sees Roeland and Richard spank each other with cassavas and give the most intense Expedition Blowjob ever in the bushbush. Naughtiness is ONNN you, people.
17. The moment you know that Carlos and Imke are both having a fight at home tonight. Nice, huh, how television makers create atmospheres? Wasn’t in your contract, huh?
18. And there he is. In all his glory: the Máxima tear of Imke. And I still can’t get over it the next morning: WHERE was I when Imke said goodbye to Carlos? Toilet? Making tea in the kitchen? Walking the imaginary dog? A few minutes secretly taking a drool nap on the couch?
19. NO. NO. WHY NOW, HENK? I want to spontaneously crawl into my television to demolish that whole hut.
20. Joëlle and Shelly, it must be said, troelala’s: you have the tactical insight of a rabbit droppings. Haven’t you learned anything from previous seasons? Think of Dio, with his eternal power. The. Coin. Must. Go. Jesus, do I have to come up with everything myself here?
21. Henk is a man of few words, but when he sneers, he sneers well. Henk after the island council twice in a minute: “Sleep well, huh.” Aaaaand he’s out the building. Awh. I think Henk the builder is a sweetheart. I wish everyone a father like Henkie Poort.
22. Next week: Kim Jong-Soundos at the Camp of the Unknowns. Well, that escalated quickly... HAHA. Furthermore: drama queen Roeland grabs Richi at night and Carlos confronts Sounnie in his Twente dialect: “Hey Sounnie, can I give you a smack in the face?” Already looking forward to it.
P.S: Giveaway: keep an eye on my Instagram account @kikiduren because next week we will raffle Soundos’ self-esteem AND a bedroom makeover by the one and only Bertie & Henkie Poort. You don’t want to miss it.
P.P.S: Not finished babbling yet? Then click here for week 1, week 2, week 3 and week 4.
