NOTABLE THINGS ON INSTAGRAM

Instagram, I'm on it and sometimes I just find it really stupid. But I step into Insta-land at least once an hour. And then the peeking-at-the-neighbors-colleagues-strangers-unloved-crazies begins. Now I could hide behind the excuse that it's particularly important for my job, but then I'm lying. Insta is my GTST, my Bold, and my biggest guilty pleasure. And I do it in public.

If you've accidentally stumbled upon my channel, you know that things there are not ‘on fleek’. That's Insta-speak for ugly. No idea why, but that's what they call it there. By the way, I already wrote that frustration off once, read here for a moment. But actually, quite dubious things happen on Insta if you look closely.

Everyone travels business class. A glass of champagne on the armrest, seat in double bed mode, fluffy blanket over the legs, and off you go. Hell no, you're not cramped in the third row from the back with the knees of your too-tall neighbor in your back. In Instagramland, you fly seven times a week and at least business. This is how we roll, guys.

And that food, it also loses its authenticity with every filter you slap on it. If I have to believe my timeline, everyone eats all day but doesn't gain a gram. And that, dear everyone, is only true in fairy tales.

‘Location, location, location. How on earth are you in two places?’

Likes from influencers, that's another thing. Now I know a handful of them in real life, but this is a thing. If you're big on Instagram, they don't just call that a Famous Instagrammer. Who is that? Oh, a little BI. Ha! Nope, then you're an influuuuwensur. And they like your photos out of nowhere. I, an old-fashioned case, thought this was done manually. Deception all around, because there's a little program for that too.

Hearts are meh, flames are hot. Yes, with an emoticon flame, your photo (or you) is on fire. A heart is love, which is okay in itself. Just for everyone I annoy with a comment on Insta, I have no philosophy behind my emojis. Never had one and I'm not going to get one either.

Instagrammers lie. I once got the response: ‘Your feed is –heart eyes–’ and we all know my feed is far from heart eyes. One photo doesn't fit with the other at all. I've accepted this, I'm okay with it. I have a hundred thousand almost-Instagram-worthy photos in my camera roll and it's still a hodgepodge. But it doesn't bother me AT ALL. Okay, so I'm lying too.

Location, location, location. How on earth are you in two places? That you post a slice of bread with sprinkles on your exploded dining table on Stories in the morning and five minutes later you're smoothed out in a bikini in Curaçao. Can't be unless you have time-warping (is that what it's called?) Harry Potter skills.

People with ambitions and semi-deep ramblings. Apart from each other, they already scratch at your irritation mode, but together? I can't handle that. Let me sketch it. The person who usually posts those almost-not photos, but suddenly is completely on fleek (yes, there she is again). And then scribbles underneath: ‘Don't dream your life, live your dream‘. Itches!

Follows you, unfollows you, follows you. Oh, and blocking is also a thing. Every told you the big frustrations in Insta life already, and I completely agree with her argument. Or what do you think of the Insta ghost? Yes, that exists. As in: just browsing through your Insta Stories and gone.

Over-Insta-population, that's a serious issue. When a new place opens in Amsterdam, everyone is standing on the sidewalk. A little photo-taking and eating mouse bites. And do you know what's really a remarkable thing? That somewhere in the dark of my brain, a little voice says: ‘Hey, you should go there too.’

And may I ask you as a grand finale to open your Instagram now. Yes? And then to say out loud for every photo: ‘You edited that for a hundred hours.’ Even for mine, because that's true. I admit it. Instagram them all, see you there.