Love & Sex

12x why we are glad we don't have a penis

Penis

“Pffff. I wish I could just be a man for once today.” Hand up if you’ve ever said this. Hey, do I see all those armpits? Goodness, we women really have it tough with our bodies. The whole being on your period, getting stretch marks in puberty, breast pain, giving birth, putting on mascara in the morning; it’s all quite something. But hey, at least we don’t have a penis. Because that brings all sorts of discomforts. I mean…

  1. So you thought that chafing thighs were annoying in the summer? What about chafing balls? A SACK. We’re getting a heatwave next week. The thought.
  2. Actually, that sensitive thing is just in the way all day long. It’s even so long that you have to choose whether it sticks to your leg on the right or the left. THE HORROR.
  3. Not to mention how the hotdog gets stuffed into the swimsuit.
  4. And what do you think happens when you get a soccer ball kicked at it? A knee? Almost throwing up from the pain. Besides: everyone knows how to find your weak spot in no time.
  5. Do. You. Know. How. Annoying. It. Is. To. Pee. In. The. Morning. With. A. Mouthwash.
  6. Or the fact that you really don’t want to, but still soak half the pot because you wild anaconda does what it wants.
  7. Getting an erection at the most inconvenient times when you really don’t feel like it. Did you know that men get an erection on average eleven times a day? Of these, nine are at night, while sleeping.
  8. Or worse: being so nervous/stressed/drunk/tired/whatever that at the moment when Japie can finally come out of his hole, he stays in hibernation.
  9. Having a penis also means you automatically have to step up for the heavy shit jobs. Because yes, you have a penis.
  10. As a child, making a sperm puddle in bed.
  11. Tight airplane seats suddenly become even tighter when you have a little guy.
  12. And finally, having a penis also means those hard stubbles under our armpits that we already hate are all around your whole mouth, chin, and cheeks. And you have to shave that for the rest of your life. So no, men, I don’t envy you, okay? Just give me stretch marks. Later! P.S. And no little guys, don’t be too offended now. We love you all. Really. A lot, even.