Kiki's Temptation Island babbles: EPISODE 1 (And 2)
Ha, little troublemaker. Ever had a spontaneous cheese-drip from your ears? Yeah, I don't think I can handle the level of this year just yet, I believe. Are you ready for a recap of the most awkward TV ever? Nice. Your wish is my command, because after all those requests on Insta, I can't help but babble about Temptation Island.
You know, that RTL5 show where four couples have to ‘try’ not to cheat while being seduced by heated actors for fifteen days. Everything is, of course, captured on camera and every few days you get to see (manipulated) footage of what your partner is up to, and nine times out of ten it's a crying shame. Then come the revenge actions and eventually everyone sleeps with each other, whether it's left or right. Oioioioi guys, bad TV, I love it so much. So I crawled behind the TV last night for the very first double episode. And this is what I thought.
1. “After a night out, I woke up next to her. A bit more happened. And now I'm stuck with her.” No, it's already going great at the introduction round. These couples are steady. This will be fine.
2. So wait a minute. Megan wanted to enjoy lobster with her boyfriend Kevin on his birthday, he faked being sick and wanted to be alone only to crawl into bed with another and post about it on Facebook? AND SHE'S STILL WITH HIM? While he has cheated on her with practically everything that has a trick? Makers, where do you find these kinds of people?
3. It gets worse.
Kevin: “I can get along with your friends.”
Megan: “Yeah, you do. Because you sleep with them when I'm home...”
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
4. If those Belgians say the word ‘tits’ one more time, I'm going to have a stroke.
*Grabs phone
*Texts ‘TITS OUT’ to 3030.
5. The more I look at Tim, the more I miss Merijn, Herbert, Niels, and Jefferson. A bit of balls this year, right, those guys.
6. It's clear what the single ladies were selected for. Whoa, those tits (okay, sorry last time) of Yana look mega uncomfortable, or is it just me? The whole thing is about to burst, man!
7. Meanwhile on Twitter...
“Hello everyone, how nice that you're here
Are you single here or do you already have a guy?
Wave your tits, put your hands on your hips
I'm horny and who are you?”
8. Luckily, there are also ladies with substance. “I'm a real blonde. With a small spicy butt. And a big mouth.” You get it: that pickup line had to be dropped in the Amayzine group chat.
9. Seriously, social media during the episode is still the best idea ever. “Zwanetta is a bit like the Viennetta among ice creams. Cheap, tastes like nothing, and yet can't resist the temptation.” No, but seriously, Zwanetta is too beautiful to have such a name.
10. Oh, we can also call her Zwaantje. You know, that big water bird. The epitome of monogamy and unconditional loyalty. The irony of this show gets better by the minute.
11. Everything that happens in the hut will never be shown at the campfire.
Wait a minute.
Bell rings...
Pling*
ALL SEX IN THE HUT!
12. Are there really condoms in that resort? Ah, Durex also had money for the recordings, I get it. Do you also have XL for seducer Tireily who plans to make all the women tear apart? “The third leg is just stable. Just stable.” Wokeee.
13. “We're just going to laugh at them all,” says Tireily. HAHAHA. I wouldn't be able to get it out of my mouth with a comb on my forehead in the pool.
14. HUH WHAT, A DATE WITH AN OVERNIGHT STAY ALL OF A SUDDEN? TIM CAN'T HANDLE THAT AT ALL, PEOPLE? HE'S GOING TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK.
15. “Wow. A kiss happens quickly, huh?” Yeah, I have that so often too. I open the door for the postman, and a minute later I'm making out. So weird.
16. Math genius Fabrizio: “I met that girl three hours beforehand and three hours later we're already talking for seven or eight hours.” Uh, wait a minute, dude... Short circuit up there now.
17. Deborah -who is quite impressed by Zwanetta's rear bumper- panicking says, “You're not going to tell me you don't think that's a nice butt?!” NICE BUTT. And then keep it dry as a Dutch person, huh. I'm telling you: I find it impressive. Already respect for Vanessa.
18. And in the end, you'll always see that the 30-year-old guy with a fucking T-shirt of his girlfriend ends up cheating at the end of the ride. Do you still have the receipt for that ring, Tim?
19. Okay. “What's up, coloring page?” is already the best quote of this season.
Although the comeback is also “Your girlfriend would want to color it otherwise.‘ Am I the only one suddenly craving my Adult Coloring Book?
20. Megan: “He needs to show respect for me.”
Kevin: “Shut up, you idiot.”
No, this is really starting off well.
21. I'm afraid that there now needs to be some sort of explanation next to the subtitles for the Dutch people. The CHEESE is running out of her ears? Spoon cheese fondue out of her ears? Yuck. Sounds like an STD. What IS this disgusting thing?
Okay guys, this is already getting completely out of hand with that double episode. Time to wrap it up. Finally, a little love for the editing guy for the gooooooood bad music as always.
P.S.: What we are giving away this week on my Instagram @kikiduren? The cross earrings of Italiano Andrea to throw through the mailbox of your worst enemy, a romantic cheese fondue evening with Kevin AND a coloring course for adults with Fabrizio. Trust me, you want this.
P.P.S.: I'm intensely curious about how big the Temptation hype is this year. Heart at the bottom of this article if you're going to watch again next week with your little butt. Joejoeeee.
