A plea for the single kiss

Okay guys, I need to get something off my chest. I consider myself anything but socially awkward and in most situations I usually manage quite well. Not always, but I can't really dwell on it too much. When I think someone is waving at me and I enthusiastically wave back while that wave is clearly meant for the person behind me — yeah oops, but that doesn't haunt me longer than half a minute. And that's actually the case with all awkward situations, just swallow and move on (as Marco Borsato beautifully sang, only about heartbreak). There is only one situation that haunts me. Keeps haunting me. That I'm lying in bed and thinking: how awkward was that?

And that's always the kissing situation. As in: do I give three or do I give one? I'm 100% in the one-kiss camp, but I still often encounter people who haven't gotten the memo that three kisses should have been abolished socially ten years ago, after which I withdraw after the one kiss (which is enough), the other goes all in for the second kiss (which isn't even the last) and you end up with an awkward: ‘Oh. Haha. Are we doing three?’ For another three seconds longer with that person in your aura. Totally sucks.

Three kisses just takes too long. Especially if you know each other. Because ho, I need to add this: if you just meet someone, I still get it to some extent. Because even though three kisses take longer, you are in each other's aura longer, I still find it a bit distant. Three kisses are reserved for my grandma, aunt, other people I see at most once a year, and the queen. Queen Máxima, that is. Queen Beatrix will probably give me a firm handshake and I don't think she's much of a kisser.

But okay, for the people we know: let's just stick to one kiss. No nonsense, just a general rule: one kiss and move on. Let's also process that in the Lonely Planet for convenience, because that would really help me master the kissing customs in other countries. France? Two kisses. America? A hug. Belgium also seems to have a gray area like us, as it varies between one and three kisses. Belgium, keep up: we do one. ONE.

You can tell: it's bothering me. Soon I'll start the one-kiss-is-enough petition. Think of the bacteria we avoid by just doing one. The seas of time that we have left. I'm just going to take up a new hobby. Write a book. I got the gift of time, guys.