The Prins Andrew Files: this is what you want to know

Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably know that things are not going smoothly at Buckingham Palace right now. Since Jeffrey Epstein was exposed and took quite a few people down with him, I believe a lot of staff at the royal house are working overtime. The only silver lining is that the attention seems to be shifting away from Meghan Markle for a moment. I guess she has received enough criticism, so I can grant her a bit of peace.

The one I don't grant that peace to is Prince Andrew. Because good grief, the accusations are not exactly mild, and if this is all really true (which, honestly, it seems to be), then that man should be behind bars, preferably yesterday? Every day new information seems to come out, so I can understand if you're not completely up to date. Here’s a summary of the most important info. The most important, yes, because if I have to list everything, I’d be quite a way into a trilogy. Let me know if there's interest in that, but I guess there are several people who, like me, are not Andrew's biggest fans and would like to keep it that way.

1. Prince Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein met for the first time in 1999 and became good friends afterward. He often visited Epstein at his private island, and he was basically found at Epstein's side quite often. But in an official statement, Andrew claims to ‘know nothing of his crimes and is very shocked by it.’ Hm-hm.

2. He has since stepped down from his political duties and indicates that he does not know when (or if) he will take them up again.

3. In a recent interview, he made quite striking statements. He said that on a specific day (in 2001, 18 years ago) he could not have sex with a seventeen-year-old girl, of which he is accused, because he was eating pizza at a Pizza Express in Woking at exactly that day and time. It's remarkable that someone can remember that, 18 years later, including the exact time.

4. In the same interview, another striking statement: he claimed he was innocent based on the fact that he could not sweat. Um, what? Virginia Giuffre (formerly Roberts), who accuses him of rape, said he was sweating profusely during their time together. In response, Andrew said it is physically impossible for him to sweat since he was shot in the war. Sounds unbelievable? It is, and not long after it became clear that it was the biggest nonsense.

5. The victims were reportedly recruited by Ghislaine Maxwell, who continues to deny this. According to Prince Andrew, he had hardly any contact with her, although very different news came out yesterday via The Daily Mail. They reportedly saw each other (at Buckingham Palace) last June and have non-stop contact via email and phone.

6. Tonight, alleged victim Virginia Giuffre will give an exclusive interview on British TV. She says she was forced to have sex with Prince Andrew three times, including once in Ghislaine Maxwell's house. Maxwell and Andrew are reportedly terrified of this tell-all interview. I can understand that.

7. More lies: a photo featuring Andrew, Virginia, and Ghislaine seems to be pretty solid evidence that the three indeed knew each other — something Andrew appears to deny. His excuse for the photo? Simple: Photoshop. According to him, he has ‘much thicker fingers in real life’ than in the photo. Case closed, clearly Photoshop. Hm-hm.

8. In 2011, he also stepped down from his role as British trade ambassador, also due to his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein. The nickname ‘Randy Andy’ became a thing, and it came to light that he was involved in more shady business. He even counted the son of the former dictator of Libya among his close friends. Not exactly good taste in friends, that's clear.

9. As I said, the British royal family seems to be working overtime since the scandals keep piling up. Charles reportedly wants to urgently talk to Randy Andy, a conversation in which Charles finally wants to be clear about the Epstein case. The PR team is also reportedly urging that Andrew be seen more often with his ex Sarah Ferguson, with whom he has always maintained good contact. A woman of his age, the mother of his children, who might still help with image recovery.

10. More gossip, on the edge of conspiracy theories: Jeffrey Epstein's death was not a suicide. Now, I'm always up for a good theory, and it does sound very strange that the guards were nowhere to be found while Epstein should have been on suicide watch. Maybe he was murdered because of all the influential people he could take down? Down the rabbit hole I go.

11. Okay, last one: even more speculation. According to a victim, Epstein had a secret room in his house in Manhattan with all sorts of monitors set up so he could keep an eye on everyone and film them. And yes, on those cameras, it can only be that Andrew was also recorded. I actually hope we get clarity on whether this is true or not.

12. The Daily Mail also reported last weekend that besides all the sex scandals, there may have been conflicts of interest. He would have been in contact with one David Rowland not only for the royal family but also went into business together in a tax haven in the Caribbean. The British royal family — very surprisingly — has denied the allegations.

Okay, here you have them. The 12 most important facts you need to know about all the scandals surrounding Randy Andy, who turns sixty in February. That big party is no longer happening due to all the fuss. He now has to settle for a simple family dinner. Will he ever end up behind bars? Unfortunately, I think the chances are very slim. But we can keep hoping. In any case, I am very curious about the interview with Virginia Giuffre tonight.