Things that annoy me to death during yoga class
The whole point of yoga is of course that you relax. So it's especially not smart to start getting annoyed. In fact, I once heard a teacher say when someone next to the yoga room was going at it with a drill: ‘See this as a spiritual exercise to return to the place in yourself where there is always peace.’
I am someone who gets annoyed quickly. It's no coincidence that I chose to spend most of my days alone behind a computer with the dog at my feet. I have an opinion about everything, to the point of annoyance, and that's why I go to yoga class to become more zen. Only then so many annoying things happen during yoga class that I wonder if the cure is worse than the disease. These are my biggest annoyances:
1. Hakkietakkie-English
Amsterdam is of course an international city where it is full of expat ladies who have nothing better to do than go to yoga class all day. So it's not surprising that most yoga classes are taught in English. Now I can handle that just fine if the teacher in question speaks decent English. But: ‘roll yourself off vertebra by vertebra’? ‘And now you take a deep breathing’? And what about this: ‘Be careful with your wrists.’ Something goes completely wrong in my head at these moments. I want to shout out loud in class: ‘They are vertebrae, motherfucker!’
2. Cliché wisdoms
What is also really terribly annoying are yoga teachers who feel the need to share spiritual wisdoms that are so cliché that I get pain in my enamel. ‘A poor man and a rich man took a walk together. Along the way, they met the Buddha, etc etc.’ The point of these stories is that they usually have no point. Yes, something like: you shouldn't get annoyed, don't cling to material things, or just be nice to each other. With a bit of bad luck, you've heard these stories a hundred times already. And if you've already forgotten the first point: they say you this story in English, right.
3. Latecomers
If the class starts at 9:00 AM, how hard is it to close the door at 9:00 AM and start the class? But no. For some possibly spiritual reason, the class almost always starts at least five minutes late and then goes on longer. I find that disrespectful to everyone who has made the effort to arrive on time. Read: I have an appointment after this. Read: why the hell did I get out of bed so early and rush to be here on time? Can we agree on this, dear yogis? Door closed, no one else let in and you will see that everyone will be on time from now on.
4. Groaners, snorers, and breathers
Breathing is an important part of the yoga class. Even if you lay in child's pose on your mat for an hour and just breathe, you have already succeeded. The problem is that some people take this quite seriously. For them, just breathing apparently isn't enough; they go at it as if they are at least giving birth to triplets. You also always encounter a (rather unkempt) man at the larger schools whom everyone finds so nice that he goes to yoga until he starts snoring loudly during savasana (the last lying pose).
5. Show-offs
If you have to sit in a cross-legged position, they go into lotus pose. If you are in downward dog, they stand on their heads. If you do the eagle pose, they stand on one leg, with their other leg straight up in the air and two fingers in their nose. Some people are unhealthily flexible and fanatical and don't miss any opportunity to show this to the outside world. And if they don't stand out enough already: they are also the ones in those very tight yoga outfits, the six-pack exposed and where they have an amazing butt. Can't they just go to a separate class for superhumans?
