Body & Mind

This is the one thing you especially should NOT say to someone with narcissism

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two women looking surprised at a man and are not happy. Mother and daughter, mother has blonde hair and is wearing a black suit and daughter has brown hair in a red dress

Narcissism is a trend. So many people have it to a lesser extent and therefore you hear more and more about it. But if you deal with people who may have a problem with this, you need to be careful with what you say.

Some things are better left unsaid – even if you think them.

And especially this sentence ‘You need to change’ should not be said. You better not say this to someone with narcissism, because they absolutely do not see it that way. They can react strongly to this and it can lead to a heated discussion. ‘Why should I change? Why not you?’ In the world of narcissists, they cannot see that they are wrong. They like to place the blame on someone else: the hallmark of narcissism. In their own eyes, they do everything right. If you then ask if they want to be completely different from how they are, it is always taken the wrong way. They also do not understand what you mean, because they cannot change. They do not see why they would want to.

And that is why it is better to respond with more empathy. If you want to have a meaningful conversation, try to put yourself in the other person's world. Direct accusations can provoke defensive reactions and complicate communication. Instead, focus on specific behavior you have observed and how that behavior has affected you. ‘You said this, which made me think this’ for example. Make clear what you are talking about and do not zoom out. The bigger you make the accusation, the harder the conversation becomes. Keep it small and manageable what you want to discuss, then it is much more likely to lead to a good solution. And if you want to come to an agreement together, all those big accusations are pointless. So do not say things like:

  • Yes but, you always do it this way.
  • You have never...
  • You also understand nothing.
  • You are selfish/superficial/self-absorbed/arrogant.

It only makes it worse because you are talking about someone's personality. People with narcissism cannot handle that, they do not think they are wrong. Never. So approach it differently. Keep it subtle, short, and concise. Talk about the facts and not about someone as a person. Rather blame the situation, they can talk better about that than about their own character. Good luck.

Image: Netflix