Is quiet dating the ultimate self-care?
As if those first few dates aren't exciting enough on their own, there's often a kind of police interrogation that follows. Friends who want to know everything; every second is analyzed. Well meant of course, but at this stage, you often barely know what you really think of that potential new lover — and that's the most important thing. Enter the dating trend quiet dating: during that first period, you just keep it to yourself. No opinions from others, just your own feelings. Sounds like the ultimate self-care, right? Although this dating trend also has its red flags.
What is quiet dating?
The term quiet dating was coined by American Kimberly Bizu, host of the podcast ‘Rich Little Brokegirls’, and it actually means exactly what you think: dating quietly. Don't worry, you don't have to keep tape on your mouth; it's mainly about everything that comes after. The extensive evaluations are now temporarily set aside. op je mond te zitten; het gaat vooral om alles wat daarna komt. De uitgebreide evaluaties blijven nu namelijk even achterwege.
According to Bizu, those detailed post-discussions cause you to unconsciously try to romanticize your date and ‘sell’ him to your friends. You create an ideal image in your head of what someone could be, while in practice that often doesn't match at all. Quiet dating puts a stop to that.
According to sex and relationship expert Shan Boodram, this trend is about dating with confidence and prioritizing your own experience, rather than seeking validation from others. By keeping everything to yourself for a while, you can quietly form a more realistic picture of someone and determine if that fits you. It's your little secret; until you want to shout it from the rooftops, full of confidence.
Why we are all into quiet dating
Keeping your budding relationship to yourself isn't new in itself, but there is a reason why we are now collectively choosing that silence. Quiet dating got a significant boost thanks to an article by Chanté Joseph in British Vogue. The title ‘Is having a boyfriend now embarrassing?’ stirred quite a bit on social media.
According to Shan Boodram, singles were almost forced to rethink the role ‘the public’ actually plays in their relationships. But that's not the only reason. There is also a growing realization that you are so much more than just your love life — especially among women. This slowly diminishes the need to always show off your partner and the pressure to find someone again as quickly as possible when you single town.
Quiet dating is therefore the reminder that there is more to life than just dating, and that this also deserves attention. And if you really don't feel like shopping on that dating market? Then that's perfectly okay too.
The red flags of quiet dating
Choosing yourself and prioritizing your own peace and wishes can certainly be seen as the ultimate self-care. But even this green flag can fade into a toxic red hue over time — especially if a relationship lasts longer. If that silence isn't broken, you might wonder if someone is really ready for a relationship.
As far as social media is concerned, there doesn't have to be an alarm bell ringing immediately; some people simply share little on their feed. But if they do share, just not when it comes to you? Then that's definitely something to pay attention to. Quiet dating can also go too far outside of social media. Keeping your lover structurally shielded from the rest of your social life is not exactly a good sign. Checking occasionally if that volume knob can be turned up a notch certainly won't hurt.
How to keep quiet dating healthy
So how do you keep quiet dating healthy? According to Shan Boodram, it mainly revolves around finding the right balance. Of course, you can share something about your love life, as long as it doesn't dominate every conversation. Be critical about who you lay your cards on the table with; choose people you truly trust and from whom you get honest advice. And no, not every doubt needs to turn into a full meeting. Your feelings are the most important. In many cases, you can simply follow your intuition without outside advice; no matter how difficult that sometimes is.
According to Boodram, it is also a must to keep yourself in the first place. Losing yourself completely in that pink bubble can be wonderful, but it becomes a problem when your relationship starts to define your entire identity. Let's be honest: that one friend who only talks about her perfect partner becomes a bit tiring after a while.
What you should especially remember: quiet dating can actually be very liberating. You date on your terms, at your pace, and you have control over how far you want to turn that volume knob. Nice, right?
Source: The Every Girl
