Why you don't want a narcissist at your birthday

Birthdays are one of the few days of the year when you can embrace yourself as the star of the show. A solid Skins voucher, a scented candle from Diptyque (they now have personalized Diptyque candles), or Loewe, that’s fine too, a half-warm apple pie with fluffy whipped cream from De Taartenkamer, a bottle of Blanc des Blanc from Ruinart, and your favorite people around you. At least, that’s what my dream birthday looks like. But if a narcissist is on the guest list, you can forget about your day. Because then your day, as soon as their heel crosses the threshold, suddenly becomes entirely *their* day.

Narcissists at your birthday: The ultimate party pooper

A narcissist at your birthday is not a guest – it’s a drama in slow motion. And no, it’s not about the fact that they brought something nice for you, that would still be positive attention, but it’s all about *them*. They always have a story that overshadows your stories.

What can you expect from a narcissist at your birthday? Here’s a sneak peek:

• The main character: They will always place themselves at the center of attention. Whether it’s through an exaggerated story about their own achievements or by complaining about their stalking ex-lover, their obsessive manager, or the neighbor who makes so much noise that they have a chronic sleep problem.
• The emotional kidnapper: Narcissists love to be dramatic, even when it doesn’t fit the situation. Did you just receive a lovely gift or a personal speech from your oldest friend? The narcissist will just steamroll right over that. Inappropriate is the understatement of the century at that moment.
• The silent critic: They may not literally trash your birthday, but they always have a snide remark ready, for example about how you decorated the space or how you dressed. “Is this your birthday outfit? Hm, couldn’t you have worn something more festive?” *Killing kindness* is the phrase that fits best.

Narcissists on their own birthday: It’s their day, everyone must know

Narcissists can’t wait to celebrate their own birthday either. And when that moment comes, they become the king or queen of the day. It’s not about a party for others – it’s entirely about their ego. So if someone says that their birthday is their favorite day, the narcissism radar might already be triggered.

How do they behave on their own birthday? Well, in an attention-devouring program:

• The everything-is-perfect show: Their birthday is the ultimate opportunity to show off. If it’s not perfect, it’s not worth celebrating. So don’t forget magnificent balloons, a fancy dinner, and maybe even a few social media posts letting the world know how incredibly amazing they are.
• The self-created chaos: Expect nothing less than dramatic “crises” that could “ruin” their perfect day. It doesn’t matter how minimal the problem is – it will be blown up into a crisis that only they can solve.
• The ‘I’ show: They want to be celebrated and praised, and if that doesn’t happen, then something’s up.

How do you recognize a narcissist at your birthday? And what can you do about it?

Let’s say you’re unsure whether you are dealing with a narcissist during your birthday. The signs are often subtle, but clear. Here are some things to watch for:

1. They make everything about themselves: Even on your birthday, they always get the attention. Whether it’s about their work, their relationships, or a random mishap – you’ll wonder if it’s still your party. It could also be that the narcissist is steering towards an argument and leaves the party with a volcano of drama, fully aware that the whole evening will be about *her* and not about you.
2. They make themselves indispensable: Whether it’s organizing the music, arranging the catering, or lighting the candles – the narcissist is always the person who “knows better” and tries to take over.
3. They don’t respond to your feelings: A narcissist has little regard for others and their feelings. Did you receive those beautiful earrings from Wouters & Hendrix that you’ve wanted for so long? She’ll probably say she would have liked to buy them for herself too, but that it’s gold-plated and the gold layer comes off quickly. Something like that. Set clear boundaries:.

What can you do?

1. It’s important to set boundaries. Don’t be afraid to start a conversation about their behavior and the space they take up. Keep your focus on your own enjoyment:.
2. The most important thing is that you have fun. Don’t let your birthday be disrupted by someone who constantly wants the spotlight. Make sure you have your moment. Don’t be afraid to say what you feel:.
3. If they go too far, let them know that you don’t accept their behavior. Sometimes a direct conversation can help to set the situation right. How to deal with a narcissist at your birthday (or ever): Tips for survival.

It’s not always easy to deal with a narcissist, and

in a group, narcissists have their tricks to not stand out , but on the day that is supposed to be *your* moment, they can sometimes be unmasked. But with some strategy, you can survive the situation without losing yourself:, Stay calm:

• The more you react to their behavior, the more control they can take. So, breathe in, breathe out, and try to stay calm. Keep your expectations realistic:.
• Don’t expect a narcissist to suddenly behave the way you want them to. It’s not a personal attack if they don’t respond the way you would. Focus on yourself:.
• It’s your day, so don’t let yourself be distracted by the needs of others. Enjoy your birthday, however it looks. Het is jouw dag, dus laat je niet afleiden door de behoeften van anderen. Geniet van je verjaardag, hoe die ook uitziet.

And, not inviting is also an option. It's your day, after all.