Monkey barring: the new dating trend you need to know
After a break-up, it can take some time before you're ready for a new love. Although that doesn't apply to everyone. For some people, it seems their relationship has just ended, or a new plus one appears by their side. How can that be? There's a good chance they're guilty of ‘monkey barring’, a dating trend that we can safely call quite toxic. Pay close attention, because you don't want to do this to anyone.
What is monkey barring?
Do you remember those playgrounds where you played as a child, with a monkey bar? That's exactly where the term monkey barring comes from. While you hung from one bar with one hand, you swung your other arm towards the next one, taking a step forward each time. That has nothing to do with dating, right? No, not until you replace those bars with relationships. Those who engage in monkey barring start looking for the next partner during one relationship and only let go once that replacement is found. You maintain your relationship and keep your partner on a string while simultaneously looking for a new lover. Sounds a lot like cheating, right? And according to many, that's exactly the case. Now you immediately understand why this dating trend is so toxic.
Why do people engage in monkey barring?
Monkey barring sounds primarily like a big red flag that you don't want to touch. But still, people do it. Why? One of the reasons, according to relationship coach Amie Leadingham, is the fear of being alone. “Some people engage in monkey barring because they struggle with codependency and use new relationships as an emotional safety net, instead of dealing with the discomfort of being alone,” she says. A break-up feels a bit like a free fall, and that's quite scary.
Those who are not good at communicating will also engage in monkey barring more quickly. Difficult conversations and a ‘normal break-up’ are too challenging, and swinging into the next relationship feels like an escape. Making yourself guilty of this trend is something you ultimately do yourself, but external pressure also plays a role. Being in a relationship is still often seen as more successful than being single. The desire to always have a partner by your side doesn't just come out of nowhere. But whether this trend is the solution is another question.
What makes monkey barring so toxic
The fact that monkey barring is often linked to cheating, makes it toxic already, but there's more. According to Leadingham, this dating trend fundamentally revolves around deception. Someone fully commits to a relationship because they think the other is just as dedicated, while that person is already looking ahead and thus not being honest about the status of the relationship.
It's also not fair to a new partner. They are unknowingly used as a backup in case things go wrong with the other, while they themselves feel that something real and valuable is being built. And it's not healthy for yourself either. Properly closing off a relationship is important for growth and truly processing something, and you deprive yourself of that chance when you immediately swing into the next one.
How to prevent monkey barring
Maybe you're coming to the painful conclusion that you've been guilty of monkey barring. Don't worry, there's still hope. You can unlearn this habit, but it does require some effort. Step one has actually already been taken: recognizing it. After that, it's important to think about why you do this. Is it, for example, the fear of being alone?
The next step might be a bit harder: learning to be single. And you do that only by truly committing to it. No plan B and no secretly swiping on a dating app. You have to push through that discomfort.
Another thing you need to dare: the difficult conversations. By no longer avoiding them, you work on your communication skills and break the toxic pattern. Also important: work on your self-esteem. You are good as you are and certainly not dependent on a relationship. And remember: no shame if you need some (professional) help with these steps; you're not alone.
Recognizing that your partner is monkey barring is harder. You often only notice it when you have broken up and that new lover suddenly appears, when it's actually already too late. Try to remember that it's not your fault, but (probably) due to the other person's insecurity and fear. The best option would, of course, be to just stop this trend en masse. No one is happy about it. And isn't that what love is meant for?
Source: Cosmopolitan
