15X UNBELIEVABLE SHIT DURING SEX SCENES
‘Those people just keep rolling, come oooon!’
Hey girlfriends, it's time for another dose of whining. About sex this time. It's nice every now and then, right? That's what I mean. Today: all the things that happen during steamy sex scenes that make you think: yeah right. Keep onnn dreaming, gurllll.
1. Let's talk about those clothes. They come off SO easily and sexy. Never is there a hand with a watch stuck in the sleeve of a shirt, never does it take three tries to get that annoying bra off; like strippers, the clothes just fly off smoothly.
2. In movies, they never talk about sex with a rubber, STDs, or other complicated sex stuff that normal people do talk about.
3. They’ve known each other for just fifteen minutes, but they’re already hanging from the chandeliers. Come on man, if you want to have sex that quickly in real life, it’s going to cost you 50 euros, I fear.
4. Those. People. Keep. Rolling. You seriously start to wonder how big that bed is. And that rolling all goes way too smoothly. You never hear an ‘OW! You're on my hair!!! #$%@@.’
5. Everyone always seems to immediately know what the other person likes. Pretty impressive.
6. Actually, those movie characters are just a bunch of heated baboons. It’s just assumed that everyone is always in the mood for sex. The phrase ‘not in the mood’ doesn’t exist. On your period? Never when there’s banging going on in a movie.
‘They’ve known each other for just fifteen minutes, but they’re already hanging from the chandeliers’
7. The same goes for shower sex. It all looks soooo relaxed instead of a TOTAL LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE. Is it very disaster-touristy that I’m waiting for the day someone slips hard?
8. What’s so nice for the speed of those films is that the guy always manages to make the girl climax seventeen times in half a minute, screaming like a piglet. That’s it. I’m becoming an actress.
9. It doesn’t matter when the spontaneous moment of rumpy pumpy happens, the woman always has matching lingerie on. Get lost, will you. And then still keeping that bra on during sex STOP IT WITH ME.
10. Everyone skips the foreplay and yet all parties are suddenly in the mood to switch to the real deal. Give me one of those flamoes.
11. Ever seen lubricant in a sex scene? No, right? No, me neither. And by the way, when the guy pulls out his lance, he knows exactly how to hit the spot on the first thrust, another thing.
12. Short woman, tall man: you don’t see the height problem during sex. HOW THEN?
13. Getting the giggles during a blowjob never happens. While this would be such good television. Man, filmmakers, DO something with it!
14. Did you know about the phenomenon of flatus vaginalis? The mother of embarrassing bed situations, a.k.a. the vaginal fart? They don’t do that in movies.
15. And my last whining point: let that woman damn well go to the bathroom when the deed is done. But of course, she also doesn’t get a bladder infection. No, she goes to sleep like a purring kitten with her hair still perfectly styled while I look like a creep after a wild session. No okay, fine. I’ll take my loss.
