When a good friend passes away

My bestie and I always tag each other on Facebook in those posts about 89-year-old grandmas hanging out in the nursing home.

This is how we envision growing old. Because above all: we will stay together forever. Forever friends. But what if everything goes differently and fate strikes? It was discussed in the editorial office: what do you do when a good friend passes away? As family, you usually appear on a condolence card, you stand in line at a wake, you have support from your whole family and relatives, all the attention goes to you. But as a friend, you might know someone much better and for much longer than a cousin or niece does. Because friends choose each other and choose each other every day again, because they love having each other in their lives.

It can be complicated, because you feel that ‘family comes first with their grief’. While your life also completely changes without her. Why is it different with friends? Friends come and go more often in your life, usually because a friendship simply fades. Someone's child will always be someone's child, a mother or father is irreplaceable, a sister is always someone's sister. Therefore, mourning in friendships is not so simple. Others can think about it more easily: you still have more good friends, right? Who says you would have always remained best friends?

How do you mourn for a true, dear friend?

• It is important, of course, that you talk about her. That you make it clear to your partner that you think of her and miss her every day. Then he knows what’s going on when you burst into tears.
• Reach out to her loved ones and other friends of hers, even if they are not necessarily your friends. You are in the same situation, so you can support each other like no one else. Arrange to meet or call each other and talk about your pain and misunderstanding.
• Remember that there is no clear ‘end’ to your mourning. It can last your whole life. You can always miss her, whether you ride past a coffee shop where you always were together, when you hear your song on the radio, or when you see shoes that would have really suited her. Accept that this is the case. Don’t fight against your grief or your loss. It is now part of your life, just as she always was.
• Mourn in your own way, there is no right or wrong. Think about what you find comforting. Do you want to speak to and see her partner often? Do you want to keep seeing her children, if there are any? Do you want to visit her grave or the neighborhood where you grew up together? Light a candle? Put a photo of her in your house? Do what feels right for you and don’t care about someone else's opinion. It is your grief.

Even now as I write this, I feel a little sad. Just the thought of sitting in that nursing home without my bestie... No. Please not. I can't hang out alone. I don't want to hang out alone. Let's hope we are granted that. And make sure to tell your besties today how much you love them.