As you here and here could read, I have quite a love-hate relationship with the phenomenon of marriage. Putting my own role as a potential bride aside for a moment, I now focus on the wedding guest because I think they get quite a raw deal.

The bachelorette party

I think that’s a crime. My advice to all soon-to-be brides and grooms; organize a nice dinner with all your guests. Men and women together, casual and fun. This way, you’re all nicely ‘bonded’ for the big day. Otherwise, I have here all sorts of sneaky ways to avoid it.

Ceremony-marriage-drinks

If my love and I are invited to the ceremony but not to the dinner but again to the party, we already say in advance; then we won’t come to the party. Then we’ll already be drunk. Now this is somewhat exaggerated (although it has happened a few times), but how inhospitable is it to segregate people on this day. Do it well, or not.

If you want a dinner with close ones, I would do that the night before your wedding. Then you still have your inner circle together, but on the day itself? Come on. The more the merrier, right?

Singles table

I remember this so from my single days long ago. Well, actually I wasn’t single but had a messy lover situation and was seen as single by the outside world. At weddings, I was always seated at the singles table. Preferably next to a single friend/cousin or whatever. Just because you found each other doesn’t mean everyone suddenly has an intense need for commitment. Leave me alone. And just sit me with my friend and her boyfriend.

Catching the bouquet

Almost all the women I know don’t like being grouped together. The women who have to come forward to catch the bouquet seem to be the losers of the evening.  Because either you’re single (and thus a loser) or you have someone but he hasn’t asked you yet and you apparently really want to.

Everything at different locations

That ‘yes’ from ceremony to after-drinks to dinner to party keeps moving to a different location. That’s a hassle. And we wedding guests don’t want that. So if you want to move us; arrange transportation. A boat, a bus, a PJ. We don’t really care, as long as it happens.

The singing bride

Somehow every bride wants to turn into Trijntje Oosterhuis on her day. They take singing lessons, practice a song, and serenade their beloved. And no matter how hard they practice, there’s only one Trijntje. And one Ilse. Keep it a bit dignified and stick to a poem. That’s nice too. Really. Just no performances from people who can’t do it.

And furthermore

We don’t necessarily like strapless dresses, think releasing doves is really stupid, find a dress code like ‘the color turquoise’ really inconvenient because now we have to buy something we’ll never wear again, want to be able to drink something other than beer, wine, and soda, struggle with first dances, and find the list of 26 types of photos that need to be taken a bit of a hassle.

Okay, smart cookie who still dares to invite us but we do love weddings. Really.